The Cat On Boots (Dingo Pictures) – Phelous
Phelous: I don’t understand a lot of the decisions they make on these East-West DVDs. Like here, they rename Dingo’s “Puss in Boots” … “The Cat on Boots.” It’s just a cat lying on top of boots, I guess. [chipper synthesized music] The Puss in Boots tale is in the public domain, so there was absolutely no reason for them to rename this “The Cat on Boots” whatsoever. “Man, I can’t wait to rip apart another Dingo Pictures movie, I hate these so much–” FALSE! I don’t feel like I should really have to say that, but I guess I do. I keep reviewing these things because I actually enjoy doing so. I mean, of course we all know that the quality of these Dingo movies is QUITE poor. That’s really not the point of covering these things anymore. (sentimental voice) It’s the journey we take, and discovering how ridiculous each Dingo adaptation has turned out, maybe having a few mildly sensible chuckles along the way. (deadpan) But did you know that “The Cat on Boots” was a metaphor for the condition of the human spirit? Yeah, that’s right. I read about that in a book you might have heard of called– THE BIBLE. Just kidding. I read about it in “Garfield’s Insults, Put-Downs and Slams.” Wabuu: Ehh…are you alright? [Phelous inhales] Phelous: I…don’t…know! Phelous: Well, that was a weird intro. But I guess that’s what you get when I have to clarify that don’t hate everything I cover, even if it’s not very good technically. Speaking of a technical nightmare, the copy of the movie on the East-West DVD is of course complete garbage, with play buttons, poor deinterlacing, video glitches in the picture, and it’s really desaturated. So once again, I slap the English voice track onto a copy from a Finnish DVD, so we can see how poor this movie looks more clearly. And yeah, even though I have a German DVD of this, I still used a copy from Finland ’cause it looked *better.* This German DVD is streets ahead of the East-West DVD. But it still looks like a VHS rip, just one from a better master, not executed as ineptly. Cover talk time! Look at the silly old wizard on the side here, kinda pointing at the cat like, [Fonz impression] “Eyyy! It’s that guyyy!” He kind of makes me think the Cookie Crisp wizard, which might explain the “Community” reference I just did. This wizard, in a more accurate-to-the-movie form, appears on the back of the German DVD, where I guess he’s… cooking himself for dinner? The front of my German DVD also has the good old Charlie cat from Dingo on there, but for some reason there’s two other versions of this same cover! On these, they’ve redrawn the entire thing and replaced Charlie with a grey cat. And one of these is… slightly more detailed than the other. Oh, and there’s also a German version that uses the East-West cover! And that’s a highly useful piece of Dingo trivia that you’ll keep in your mind for the next five seconds, I’m sure. [Cat on Boots laughing like a Looney Tunes character] [BGM: low-quality orchestral soundtrack, sounding like a nature documentary] (deadpan voice) If there’s one thing Dingo knows, it’s how to grab your attention right from the beginning. Old Man (no relation): [slow creaky voice] Ohhhh, well, theeere comes another oooone. There’s just nooo ennnnd to the work. Phelous: Why does he speak so slowly?! Gee, I sound like my comments section. Old Man: Hey, farmer. It’s been a good year. Phelous: Oh, his name is just ‘Farmer’, is it? He must be secretly played by Jason Statham. Farmer (with a female VA): We needed this badly. For three weeks, we’ve been eating leek soup. Phelous: Or he’s voiced by a woman, ’cause Dingo apparently loves having big men voiced by women, for some reason. I assume at this point most of the roles in these things are pulled from a hat. Farmer: Can you grind this for me? At home we’re [sic] already heated our oven. Phelous: ‘We’re already heated our oven’ is a wonderful reason to get old men to grind for you. Old Man: It’s just too much work for meee. It’s time for me to retire. I won’t live much longer aaanywaaaayyyy. Hans: But, father, you’ll live to be a hundred years old. Old Man: Nooo, nooo, Hans, nooooo. I don’t fool myself. Phelous: Come for the old man talking about his upcoming death, but stay for the Cat on Boots, at some point. This old man dying pleases Charlie Cat, who of course is gonna end up being the titular Cat on Boots, and he still has a piece of white cat butt following him. Phelous [falsetto]: Ahhh! I broke my foot! Old Man: It’s not much that I haaave to leave you, but I hope you’ll make the best of it. As you is (??) my eldest son, will get the mill. Eldest Son: The mill? Old Man: Yup. Phelous: No one seems to know how they feel about anything. Yup. Old Man: As the second eldest, you will get the donkey. Phelous: Wait, so one son gets a *mill* and the other just gets a donkey?! Not very even here, Old Man. True Old Man: Ah-hhhhyyyyyeeEEEEEEYYYYY… …he didn’t mean me, sheeit. Old Man: And as for you, Hans, I unfortunately have only our tomcat to give.
(BGM: string instrument being plucked) Phelous: Ah. Even the cat knows that it’s a crappy inheritance. At least he knows his lack of value. Cat: Mrrrowwwwrrrr. Old Man: I said no fightiiing. Now get back to work. The farmer needs his gron. (??) Yeah. Phelous: The farmer needs his Gorn? Clip: Yeah. [wacky string music with womp-wah noises behind it] Phelous: Your garbage father leaving you a cat as your inheritance sure is wacky! Hans (with the same VA as Pierre): It’s all very well that you follow me around. But what can I do with you, dumb old tomcat? Hans: Maybe make a fur hat out of you! That’s all.
Cat: (angry-sounding) Mrrowwwrr… Knockoff Thumper: (laughing) Phelous: Yuck it up, fuzzball. Your days are numbered. Charlie (with the same voice actress as Stupid Sexy Duck and the narrator from Nice Cats): Hmmm, well, actually, one can feel sorry for him. He was always pretty decent to me. He just threatened to make you into a hat! What is your problem, cat? Just then, Not-John Smith and Charled walk in from another dimension. Cat: Don’t look so disappointed, Hans. I’ll see to it that you don’t starve.
(BGM: cheerful flute music) Hans: I think I’ve gone crazy. Did I just think that that cat spoke to me? Phelous: I think this is the first Dingo movie where the animals talking to humans has been acknowledged as being slightly weird. Hans: Next thing I’ll be seeing white mice! Phelous: (flat voice) Yyyyyyup. No one’s heard of a white mouse before. Cat: Rrrubbish. Stay where you are, it’s true. I can talk. Phelous: (falsetto voice) Sure, I talk with a female voice, but I’m supposedly a tomcat so I’m a boy, I guess. Cat: I can talk, and a couple other nice things, too, hmm? Please tell me the cat did not just infer that it could grant sexual favors!! Cat: All I need is a sack and a pair of boots. Cat: Then I can be seen in public if you can get them for me.
Jamie/Janis: *random oinking* Phelous: What, is the cat invisible without boots and a sack? Or maybe they were just saying that all cats that go out without boots are just really not decent. Hans: Anything else?
Cat: (angrily) RRrrrrrRRrrrr! Ssss! Phelous: I’m guessing that line was supposed to be said a little sassy, instead of it angering the cat that he just legit wondered if it wanted anything else. Hans: If I’m going to be crazy, then I might as well do it right. Phelous: I didn’t realize there were incorrect ways of being crazy. (deadpan) But I suppose getting your cat boots IS how you do it right. Someone over at Dingo apparently figured out how to do iris transitions while making their Puss in Boots. So almost every scene in this begins and ends with an iris in and out. Tailor: So, Hans! Take off your slippers! I need to measure you! Hans: No, no, the boots aren’t for me. It’s my CAT that wants them. Tailor: HAH?! (repeated HAH? slowed down) Phelous: Now that the cat is ON BOOTS, that makes him bipedal instead of a quadruped. (sings) ♪ Cause those boots were made for walking! …Or something I don’t know. ♪ Hans: Quite unusual. Like a Puss in Boots! Phelous as Hans: You know, that’d be a great name for this story! PhelousWabuu: Not as good as the Cat ON Boots! Tailor again: HAAAAAAHHH?! Phelous: Look at Hans’s stupid small hands. What an idiot. Now that the cat on boots has his boots and a sack, he can be seen in public! So he goes out into the middle of the wilderness so he can kill Thumper. Yes. Really. This surprises Bambi, but not enough to do anything about it. (BGM: suspenseful drumbeat, chiming noise) (BGM: drumroll) Phelous: (flat voice) Such stunning animation. I don’t know how they pulled it off. And I guess that shows Thumper for laughing at Mr. Cat on Boots earlier! Cause now they’re super dead! And just like in the original Puss in Boots story, the cat on boots is gonna gift the dead rabbit to a king to earn favor for his master. Guard: Good sir! It’s a cat! A Puss in Boooots! Guys, stop saying that! This is the Cat ON Boots. It’s completely different! Cat: Let me in. I must see the King immediately. Guard: Uhhhh, why would you? Phelous: Oh. Apparently the talking cat doesn’t surprise the dimwit guards as much as it did Hans. They’re just kind of annoyed by him. Cat: Yyyyyou will be fired immediately if the King finds out that you stopped me seeing him. I have a present for himmmmM. Guard: Well, okay. Go on in. Pheloua: (pffft) Well, those guards probably should be fired if that’s all it takes to get by them! (as Dingo Rasputin): I want to see the kiiing! I have a present for hiiiim. (as guard, in dumb voice): Is it that bomb? (as Rasputin): Uhh… Noooo! It’s, uh, something eeeelse. (as guard): Okay. Go on in. (Phelous FX: explosion noise) (WOMP-WOMP-WOMP-WOMP… womp-waaaaahhh) Cat: Mr. King! Miiister Kiiing! …Mr. King. So…. is King his last name? He’s King King? King King: Not noowwww, not noowww! (as King): I’m clearly busy standing here! Phelous: I don’t know how Dingo managed this one, but out of all their human characters, this king just looks extremely fake. Like he’s a toy come to life or some kind of mannequin. Cat: My lord the Earl ordered me to present Your Majesty with a prrresent. (Dingo’s “DUNNNN!” of doom) King: Ohhh! A rabbit! A beautiful deeead rat (?)
[seriously, it sounds like he says “rat”] Phelous as King: I looove death! Blood Bush: Ohh. We might be kindred spirits, you and Iiiiii. (Phelous FX: splat noise, muffled yelling) King: My hunters haven’t been able to bring me one for weeks! Phelous: This must be Kingdom Incompetence King King runs here. (flat voice) Oh goooood! It’s this guy again, with his never-ending pancakes! Kid in “Cabin Fever”: PANCAKES– Wabuu: NOOOOO. Phelous: And this time the stupid chef is apparently burning something in the background. But it’s okay, cause the smoke’s frozen. But wait a second. He’s wearing sandals? Is that really good for in the kitchen? Another brilliant hire, King King! Cook: Get ouuut! Guy in Wig (with extremely nasal voice, done by the same woman who voiced the farmer): Wait, cook. This pretty cat had brought the king that rabbit. I would also like him to move on because he’s losing… hairrr. Cat on Boots: (unenthusiastic voice) Who’s losing hairrrr? Phelous: I don’t know if you should really be messing with that demon cat on boots. Also, why is this table at cat level? Cat: Well, am I going to get anything to eat or not? Cook: (with stereotypical Italian accent): How could the signore like (???) is a mouse, boiled or fried, ah? This guy is cooking mice?! Damn it, King King!! Cat: That looks right tasty there. Phelous: (flat voice): Oh, yeah. Sure. I think that’s Janis’s family. Cook: I suppose I’m supposed to serve you on a golden platter, huh? sound clip of Pocahontas chef: One a-day I’m gonna kill-a this cat and serve-a him to Mr. Crunch-a bone-a for lunch! Cat: (weirdly fake laugh) Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee. Hans: I must have been totally crazy spending my last money on a pair of boots.
(BGM: violin and oboe or something playing a sad tune) Cat boots. No arguments here. But at least you did crazy right! (Phelous sings to the tune of “The Cat Came Back”)
♪ The cat on boots came back the very next day! ♪ ♪ The cat came back, Hans thought he was a goner, but the cat came back! ♪ ♪ With gold and told Hans he told the king his title was earl! ♪ Cat: Sounds better, no? Hans: Me and an earl? I hope he never meets me.
(BGM: same silly flute music as the “Shut up, Dundee” scene) Phelous: Yeah, that feeling is probably shared with most. Oh wow, a new Dingo animal! It’s apparently a partridge in a dead tree! It honestly surprises me at this point not just to see the “Lion and the King” bird recolored again! But of course, that bird IS in this too, and it has a sinister plan to do… absolutely nothing. The partridge follows its nose to the sweet taste of death as the Cat on Boots’s giant head devours it, trap and all. At least, that’s what the not changing the background sure makes it look like. King King: He actually kept his word.
(BGM: boingy-sounding instrument from “Alladin”) Princess: Hmm, looks cute! A puss in boots! (deadpan) Man, I get the feeling this wasn’t meant to be called “The Cat on Boots” at ALL. And hey, look! The princess is ANOTHER modification of the woman character model that Dingo loves reusing. It’s pretty much their blonde Anastasia, but she looks a bit worse. King King: Hmmm, I’m curious to know what he has brought me this tiiiime! Phelous as King: Maybe it’s a spell to make me into a real boy! Cat: Mmm, good day, lovely child. You don’t look like your father at ALL! Rude! But true, she doesn’t look like a life-size doll like him. Well, at least this partridge was apparently really happy about dying. (dorky voice) That makes it cool. I tell you, this awkward flip back and forth movement sure isn’t helping with the fakeness of King King. King: Chuck! Nasally Wig Guy: At your service, your majesty. Cat on Boots: (repeats in mocking voice) At your service, your majesty! Oh, that cat on boots has some truly witty banter. Like me! I don’t think I want to know WHY this guy’s coattails are that stiff. Cat: Ha ha ha ha ha ha… prrrrrrr. Princess: Must be a strange earl to have a puss in boots as a servant! King King: Oh, why not? (as King King): A cat would be a step up from the morons that I hire! normal voice Phelous: King King must be getting a little tired of pancakes at this point. Maybe that’s why he needs a cat to hunt for him. Cat in Boots: Prrrr. The king and the princess want to go for a riiiide. Hmmm. This could beee… the opportuniTY. Phelous: Oh, better watch out, Wuschel, or you’ll be next on the Cat on Boots’ hit list! A hole in the socks. Some sick detail there, Dingo! Hans: Why?
Cat: Aw, man, don’t ask such stupid quESStions. We must go to the lake now! Hans: Do we really have to? (as Hans): I’m quite content to laze around doing nothing the entire movie! Phelous: So Cat on Boots is gonna set it up that Earl Hans got robbed, so that it’s more believable that this doofus is an earl to King King and Princess Princess. Which is another wonderful beat from the original tale of our trickster hero. But what’s REALLY important is this DUCK! (SFX: chirping birds in background) Duck: (quacks, which sounds like someone trying to actually quack in Donald Duck’s voice while simultaneously vomiting and choking) YEAH! Don’t forget that! Oh, and almost as important as that duck is the fact that Hans has no nipples. So he’s, like, some kind of android or something. (deadpan voice) So many phonies in this movie! Driver: Let the devil take me! It’s that cat in boots again! Phelous: Oh, I guess the angry driver was the only character briefed on the silly title change. Cat: My master was bathing in the lake, and a thief came and stole all his cloooothes.
(BGM: “suspense drums” from Animal Soccer World) If he stays in there much longer, he will catch a cold or maybe diiiieee! Rrrrrrrrr! King King: (bored voice) Ohhhhh, if THAT’S all there is. (as King King): Sounds like a whole load of not my problem! (as Hans): What’s a-matter me? (BGM: womp-womp-wah!) King King: Drive back to the palace and fetch new clothes for the earl. (complete silence) Driver: Dammit! (as driver): Dammit! Why do I have to do my job? I suck at it! Crapster Coach Driver at least changed it up a bit with “dammit” instead of a straight “damn”! King King: Come, my daughter, let’s go and meet the eeaaaaarl! Phelous: King King seems awfully excited to see Naked Earl. Driver: Where is the eeeaaaarl, your master? I can’t seeeeee him! as King King: I want to see how he measures up! Cat on Boots: That idiot. I hope he hasn’t run away. (as cat): I love helping that idiot! Driver: Vrrrrr! (apparently a growl of anger) Your servant packed the clothes together. If they don’t fit it’s not my fault. Seriously, why does everyone in King King’s employ just walk over him? King King: Take the clothes to your master so that I can finally get to meet him! (weird giggle) Princess: I’m really curious. (Donald Duck impersonator quack/vomit/choking again) Princess: I never thought he’d be so young and good-looking.
(BGM: vaguely medieval string music) (Phelous BGM: womp-womp-womp-womp womp waaaahhh!) Hans: I thank you most profusely, my lord king, that you’ve helped me in my need. Cat: Hmmm. Hans is not so dumb after all. Phelous: Yeah, look at him standing there and not falling over! Pretty impressive! Cat: Who does this lovely field belong to? Farmer: (in garbled nasally voice) The great magician! Cat: The Kiiiing will soon ride by and if you don’t say that this field belongs to the Earl… You gotta love stupid old stories where the hero can threaten to kill people if they don’t lie for him! Farmer: (gasp!) Phelous: The kitty cat death threat really shocks Extra Poorly Drawn Man and Aladin’s mother! (very garbled) We’d best do as he says. (as farmer) After all, this cat is the most powerful being in the universe! King King: Coachman! Stop, stop! Bloody hell! Now what’s the problem? (as King King): Oh, I just remembered that I can have you put to death! (Phelous FX: Dingo’s “DUNNNN!” of doom) King King: Who does this wonderful field belong to? Poorly Drawn Man: Uhhh…. the great earl! (as King King): Earl who? (as poorly drawn man): I don’t knooow! Cat: Hey everyone, who does this big meadow belong to? Farmer: The, the, the, the meadow belongs to the great magician! The king will drive by soon. And if he ask who the meadow belongs to, you must answer “The Earl.” if you can’t do that… Can you imagine a housecat walking up to you in boots telling you to lie for it or it will KILL you, and you just said (dorky scared voice) “Oh yes! Please! I’ll do whatever you say, don’t hurt me, Mr. Cat!” King King: Whoooo does this meadow belong to, my good people? Farmer: To the earl, or that puss in boots will kill us. Peasant Woman: The meadow belongs to the Lord Earl. (as King King): It’s so weird that today is the first day I’ve decided to ride around and randomly ask people who plots of land belong to! (normal voice): Over at the magician’s Lego castle, and yeah, Dingo has changed it from the shape-shifting ogre that is usually in Puss in Boots to this shape-shifting magician who apparently really loves his eye shadow, but whatever floats his boat. Cat: Does the castle belong to the magician? Pirate Guard: (incomprehensible nasally garble) I’ve got a dupid cat everyone goes dat (??) (not very dramatic) Get out of my way, I want to to see the magician. The Cat on Boots is really just the tale of the world plagued by horrible employees. Magician: (very nasally, unintentionally goofy voice): I am the richest, most POWERFUL man! …in the aaarea!! Cat: Exactly what I’ve heard. (as cat): Which is why I’ve come to kill you! Yup! Really! What a hero, right?! Aw man, this magician stole Jafart’s “Silly” bird! Or maybe it just hangs out with any old man that has powers. Cat: I was passing by your castle by chance and decided to use the opportunity to see such a RICH and powerful maaaaaan. Prrrr. Phelous: Hmmm… Maybe Cat on Boots DIDN’T actually come here to kill, but instead just wants to hit on this guy. Cat: You can change yourself into any animal you choooooSE. Is THAT truuue? …Mrow. Phelous: So we get quite the morph effect out of Dingo for the wizard’s transformations into other familiar Dingo characters, and I like that his boiling pot transforms along with him. Wizard: Child’s plaaaaaay!!
(SFX: weird noise like an engine) splice-in: MAHGOD! Cat: (blandly) Heeeelp! Wizard: Heh heh heh heh HAAA! Did I frighten yooouuu, you silly cat?
(BGM: overly loud chime-like music) Well, those wind chimes overpowering the dialogue is what’s frightening me! Cat: Can you change into something smaller than you, like a tiny mouse? Magician: Theeeeere’s NOOOTHIIING that I can’t doooo… (very quickly) youstupidcat! If this magician is so rich and powerful, you’d think he’d have better things to do than impress a stupid cat. …You’d also think he’d be a little smarter than this. Must have inherited his wealth. (BGM: weird electronic noises)
Cat: Meow! Hmmm, doesn’t taste bad for a maGIcian! How many magicians have you eaten?! Was this magician even a bad guy? I mean, all we really know was he owns some land that the boot cat decided it wanted people under the threat of death to lie about being owned by Hans instead! Sure, the magician was a little short with the cat, But still, he was pretty accommodating to this jerkwad on boots bursting in and demanding that he perform tricks for him! And yes, the Puss in Boots eating the ogre after tricking him into transforming into a mouse is part of the original tale, but that doesn’t excuse this bit of silliness from mockery or criticism! King King: Now I cannot admit it (?) (weird giggling) Hans, it’s your castle, isn’t it? Hans: Um, well, uhhh, I, I don’t… Phelous: Hans, you could say your castle is somewhere else, you idiot! Also, the cat probably should have let him in on Operation: Steal Magician’s Castle. Cat: Welcome to the Earl’s castle. (as cat): I somehow knew you’d show up here and right about now! Luckily, I’ve done my murders! Driver: That’s how it goes. It’s always the same. They’re off to fill their bellies and the two of us– can’t get anything to– Phelous FX: (frying noises) So did the cat murder all of the rest of the staff at Magician Castle, or did he just SAY he’ll kill them all if they don’t work for the bum he’s installing as the new leader, and everyone in the world is just really quick to give up to a cat? King King: My daughter, you’re not eeeaaating, (sudden growly voice) nor are you, my lord. Cat: The two of them are in love. They don’t need to eeeaaaaat. Ahahaha! Yeah, love is all you need. …Damn, I’m hungry. King King: Also, you two have my blessing. (as King): Let me bounce back and forth in an extremely unconvincing manner to accentuate how fake I look! King King: You may take my daughter to wife and have half the kingdom as a wedding gift! (as Wabuu): …is what I’d say if you weren’t all SOO STUUPID! The kingdom is MINE, bitch! Nyeh heh heh heh heeeeeh!! Oh. So THAT’S why the king looks so fake. So there’s a kind of funny edit on the English DVD version of this movie. It just fades out on Jester Chef here, because I guess they wanted to cut out the next shot of the Cat on Boots smoking a cigar, which is the ending Dingo had intended. It’s a good thing they cut that, or all the kids would be imitating the Cat on Boots’ bad smoking habits. We don’t want that. But they can follow his lying and murdering examples. That’s okay. (BGM: “jungle music” from the beginning of Lion and the King) I learned it from watching you, Cat on Boots!! I learned it from watching you!!
(SFX: axe whacking noises) …False. That was an example of lying. …Which I learned from “The Cat on Boots.” As another way to copy another… certain studio, Dingo Pictures have started to to make live-action versions of all their animated classics! So allow me to welcome you to the world premiere of Dingo Pictures’ live-action remake of “The Cat on Boots!” (nature documentary-like music again) (upbeat trumpet and accordion music) (classic Dingo ending scene music) Well… I don’t know what else you expected. ♪ Ending Theme: “Oh Phelous 80s Style” ♪ ♪ I don’t like this movie
Doesn’t look too friendly This bootleg is so fake
That toy is gonna break Phelous, don’t let me down
You need to be around Grab that chocolate pizza
And leave a like because I want one Phelous, oh Phelous
Bring on Mortal Komedy Phelous, oh Phelous
And animation movies Phelous, oh Phelous
Wabuu really is so fun Phelous, oh Phelous
What’s your opinion about? ♪ (laughing) Oh. Speaking of credit rolls, (overly dramatic voice) today’s episode of Phelous and the Movies was brought to you by Gourd VPN! Gourd VPN! It’s a real VPN and you can get a whole 10 cents off your next purchase of Gourd VPN! At checkout, just put in the code Ph–