Prison Mike – The Office US


Michael: All right, everybody. There has been a lot of name-calling against our office today. Corporate maligning, slurring. Much of it coming from one of you. Who claims that prison is better… …than here. And none of us can say “Boo”, because none of us have ever been to prison. Well, There’s somebody I’d like you to meet. Somebody else who has been to prison. Who can tell you what it is really like…. I’m Prison Mike! You know why they call me Prison Mike? Angela: Do you really expect us to believe you’re somebody else? Michael: Do you really expect me to not push you up against the wall, biatch? Everyone: Woah, woah, woah Michael: Ay, ay, ay! That’s just the way we talk in the clink. But a lot of fun talk about prison today. But I am here to scare you straight. I AM HERE TO SCARE YOU STRAIGHT!!! In prison you are somebody’s bitch! Oh and you, you, my friend, would be the bell of the ball. Don’t drop the soap! Don’t drop the soap! Ryan: Michael, please. *kissing sounds* Jim: Where did you learn all of this? Michael: Internet. Jim: So not the prison? Michael: And prison…it’s 50/50. But, look. Prison stinks, is what I’m saying! It’s not like you can go home and… ….recharge your batteries and come back in the morning and be with your friends having fun in the office. Jim: What’d you do, Prison Mike? Michael: I stole. And I robbed. And I kidnapped the president’s son and held him for ransom. Jim: That is quite the rap sheet, Prison Mike. Michael: And I never got caught neither! Jim: Well, you are in prison… Pam: Prison Mike, what was the food like in prison? Michael: Gruel. Sandwiches. Gruel omelets. Nothing but gruel, plus you can eat your own hair. Andy: Wow… Prison sounds horrible! Michael: Yeah, yeah. Well, thank you Andy. Danks! Dwight: Prison Mike, what’s the very, very worst thing about prison? Angela: Don’t encourage him, Dwight… Michael: The worst thing about prison was the Dementors! They… …were flying all over the place and they were scary and then they come down and they sucked the soul out of your body! And… it hoight! Karen: Dementors like in Harry Potter. Michael: No, not Harry Potter. There were no movies in prison. This is my point! You guys got it soft and cushy! This place is freakin’ awesome! The people are awesome! Your boss is nice! Everybody seems to get along! People are tolerant! People who have jumped to conclusions can redeem themselves. Nobody’s, nobody’s bitch! I hope that this scared you! And from me, Prison Mike, to you. I just want to thank you for listening to me. And letting me be a part of your life today. ‘Cause you got a good life! You got a good life! A good life… Michael: So, what do you think, it doesn’t sound so great, does it? Pam: Wow. Thank you. Um….that must been hard for you to relive that. Both of you. Martin: Yeah, that. Wasn’t really at all my experience… There’s certain elements of what you’ve performed, I’ve seen on television. But it didn’t remind me of my time in prison… Michael: Okay, okay, fine. You guys think prison is so great, all right. Well, here you go… Jim: Okay, Michael. C’mon, let us out. Michael: No, if you think prison is so wonderful, then enjoy prison! They are such babies! I am going to leave them in there until they can appreciate what it’s like to have freedom. And if this doesn’t bother them, then I’m out of ideas. *theme plays*

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