Cool, Cruel, Countenance | After The Glass Slipper | Sleep With Me #224

hey you have all night tossing turning mind racing trouble getting to sleep trouble falling asleep we’ll welcome I think you’re in the right place this is sleep with me the podcast that’s here to put you to sleep we do with a bedtime story all’s you need to do is get in bed turn out the lights and press play we’re gonna do the rest and what is the rest well tonight’s Thursday so it’s after the glass slipper our ongoing fairy tale story featuring Cinderella’s stepmother Agatha okay basically it counts up to Tuesday Thursday Sunday we do different stuff but the basics are the same I’m gonna create a safe place where you can set aside whatever is running through your brain whatever is romping around in your head saying blah blah blah and every time you think you’re settled down it’s picking at you and you change position but you can’t change your thoughts it’s a hard to thing to do don’t don’t blame yourself for it it’s tough but I’m gonna create a safe place where you can you know put those aside you just listen to me I’m gonna try to distract you from whatever’s going on your brain you listen to this story I believe it and I have you start list and those other thoughts and your brain will start listening and then my story will just kind of go on and on it’ll be a little bit boring a little bit lulling a little bit soothing a lot ridiculous or you know absurd I guess would be another term but you know no heavy thinking about actually no you don’t know one but you used to listen you say well that was Agatha huh I’m more interested in cinder I saw the movie and then yeah I bought the book the stepmother you know she’s more if she’s it’s a story about okay I listen for a little bit here okay she’s talking a lot what is she is she’s doing some explaining oh talking about her feelings well I think outside think I’ll fall asleep and so a lot of times you don’t even know what you’re asleep next thing you know you’re like well if I cast what wasn’t interesting it with my you know mildly and interesting mildly entertaining mildly funny mildly whatever that’s that’s how we do it you might say what what who in the right mind would do a podcast to put people to sleep that’s not like you know it’s not a mind meld or or that doesn’t go by the name as Mauro or mind Mauro or oh you know maleic one would be one with your mind and your breath and your spirit well you know we you know what the heck’s wrong with you a lot wrong with me and my a memory might absolutely not but brings up a good point you you know I’ve gone through this night time rigmarole I haven’t got one of those bringin let me just let I live in California we’ve got this water crisis out here now some time somehow my brain instead of giving me solutions to problems I’m I’m always the problem but but I can’t do anything about it if I the breath of thoughts that keep me awake at night I got a drippy faucet right water crisis you’d say okay well either you could look at it two ways normal person maybe you would say well your lace wasting a lot of water there you better get a fix or the you know reverse I might say why you could save a lot of water if you fix that or put something under the water you know to collect the water either way you could you know be helping not do bad or you could be doing good or you can even be making an ice cold drink for yourself water is good no my brains like geez what a terrible person you are that you have a drippy faucet what is wrong with you and it goes on like that for hours and I said well it’s gonna fix the faucet but now I feel terrible about myself and then that thoughts right that wow there you go you should shew it’s like maybe don’t matter if you fix the faucet anyway because you’re a terrible person what in the name like way saying if I was a terrible person because I didn’t fix the faucet now you’re telling me I shouldn’t bother and then the philosophy like I’ll be like yeah okay let’s sit down and relax it what are you doing that for you you should be fixing the faucet you terrible person and then I said well wait which one is it I don’t get it and then that part of my brain says both buddy ha ha ha it doesn’t even but it’s not that forth right it doesn’t tell me that that’s got me going it’s got me coming instead of being like hey let’s save some water hey let’s have some water I don’t know anybody they could follow that we’re probably in the same boat if you could follow it well you get one degree of that madness this podcast might help you I hope it does because I you know I know what it’s like whether one night even if it’s Christmas Eve you can’t sleep you like man I want to get to sleep so I can open up those presents already or if it’s like a tent your tents a night in a row where you can’t get to sleep or your schedule change and you can’t get to sleep I know what it’s like man I’ve been through it and a lot of people they can’t really they say oh well you know what why did you have warm milk and you’re like didn’t you hear me I haven’t slept in ten nights buddy warm milk ain’t couldn’t do they feel like you but you know there’s bugs on the insides of my eyeballs and you know my hair is sweating my you see that it feels like it is my hair sweating it feels like my hair from sweating not my hair follicles natural hair and then they say Oh Barry you need to get some sleep and then you’re like no so people that can sleep they don’t really you know they don’t understand the pain in the terrible isolation that people feel when they’re stuck not sleeping I do and I happen to not be you know I happen to be a mediocre storyteller with ability to talk in circles so here you go that’s it a plus B divided by insanity equals this podcast and I’m glad you’re here and I’m glad you’re here I hope this pie gets up so it was all in good fun I’m not mean to me I mean it you know I’m trying to help I like doing this I like telling stories just because they make critic says they’re terrible I’m like mediocre is a compliment or maybe they’re the others you know stories have fun to put your mind at ease alright so I hope I helped you fall asleep alright and that’s it we’re on web I’m working out a little crossover episode with Chris post e posters and over it sounds like an earful podcast email me your dream now I’m gonna it’ll be public I won’t publicize your name but I’m looking for some dreams that people have had for a crossover podcast so if you want to email me your dream you could do that’s right the best way to do it put it in there crossover dream or something and a dream about anything but it shouldn’t have you know it doesn’t have to have anything to with the podcast because ideally it’s gonna be you know a story that’ll be on the podcast or might be any Chris’s pack yes I don’t know but but it won’t you know won’t be self referential I don’t know but anyway I’m glad you’re here and I do help I hope I help you fall asleep thank yous I want to thank Chris poster poster sin who does our music Scottie and Jennifer running our iconic iconic I artwork thank you and I would just get straight into the other thank you you know all you long-term you know of course I love you guys and oh just a heads up periscope update since this is I’m recording these thank yous on Wednesday I will probably not probably at periscope Ryan will come up on Sunday maybe for a half hour on Monday and Tuesday but what I’ll try to do is try to figure out something fair for East Coast people maybe maybe it’ll figure out if there’s a way that I can send you notifications like maybe I don’t know when I’m gonna be recording this weekend every day Friday Saturday Sunday maybe I’ll try to post on Facebook maybe Sunday in the middle of the day I’ll just do the warm-up for the podcast I’ll periscope that maybe I don’t know but anybody that’s interested in that oh boy go to periscope I think Google that and again if this apps can be a problem it’s kind of like let’s explore other options all right let me thank some people Julie uh make a mile up so she said you know to give a shout out would make Julia’s evening and then I was thinking of that dude one of my favorite scenes in any movie if it’s my favorite but one of my favorite scenes and a great song by itself but for Royal Tenenbaums one of my favorite movies one of my favorite scenes is when Royals with the boys and the me and Julio down by the schoolyard is playing and then royal makes the love as a CG I’ve literally have goosebumps thinking about that scene how much I love it in so I was thinking me and Julia thinking Julia on the podcast I’m gonna thank some other listeners but I want to see the one I thank to you now but I wanna thank Laurel to who sent me G ot religion news thanking you on the podcast better that’s right fair use as inhaling whistling let’s try accent thanking you on the podcast Emily a Nicole and Aaron RSVP’d for the meetup thank you guys silvertone already RSVP’d well I think people from Twitter Lindsay G just talking today Maggie I’ll look concerned about my voice probably I’ve gotten back to my time here here’s Maggie but could be lack of tea and I love saying things that rhyme it but it could be lack of tea I haven’t had since I’ve been back to Florida normalcy of skit of a routine has not returned in a way that I have tea when I’m recording the podcasts I did that for maybe a month or two to varying degrees of success if you love blue preserves many scolding incidents with the tea but I could be I don’t know I think my voice is almost a my voice now this is probably what I sound like in real life maybe I don’t know who knows I mean I do talk to unfortunately I talk to myself a lot but I have a hear in my head inside my head I don’t know thank you for your concern though if anybody else says my voice is weird let me know maybe there’s something weird in my production chain I mean it’s a small chain so be easy to say well is it the recorder the microphone or the preamp because that’s it so it might be settings off who knows since my trip so thank you Maggie Oh sad Katie yes Marc Claire Marcy over on Facebook Jan w Judy s Alexandra Laura you know friend you know community community getting it up Griz shaking teddy Tracy be Jessica Joel I thought I think so Eli in here you I just had a long flight and the podcast helped with the week of jet lag so thank you evil eye or and see reviews Pinterest used to be good gave us a nice review Brenda from pear Paraguay Paraguay site the correct saying in that Paraguay Paraguay I want to say why why why tell them you’re from thinking Brenda from Paraguay why why because I like to say thanks to my listeners why why because I love thank you that rhyme why why Thank You Brenda from Paraguay that’s why I’m thanking you from the podcast sky finally they call me el Toro and they call me el Toros girlfriend nice little mature what country you place your review him it came to me through this convoluted method I attempted to try to get international reviews but I have a backup method that comes at the end of month but I say hey let’s strap more convoluted way that might you know but anyway they call me el Toro I’ll talk they call me the sloth that’s another song better stop the singing but I liked it does what it says on the tin podcast puts you to sleep they call me el Toro says hey they call this fat cat sleep with me and it works so thank you and thank you all for listening those of you the silent the silent majority and there’s nothing wrong with being the silent majority don’t shame don’t let the you know nighttime rigmarole say you know if you have time review us or whatever do it but you know if you know running through life quiet as a dormouse or a church mouse you know I wish I had a song like that but I’d say why why don’t blame yourself and being quiet I dad I want to say thank you anyway so thank you so much everybody for listening if you’re listening thanks alright that see you know for me and Michael if you’re listening out there somewhere via spiritual digital connection what’s up men I hope you know I hope you got some peace that for real – all right that’s like – you know be back in four seconds good evening good evening everyone welcome to another episode of after the glass the pariah Magatha the teller of your tale Cinderella’s stepmother once known as the evil stepmother now known as a complicated stepmother telling the tale of what happened to Cinderella after the glass slipper but mostly since I’m the one – you know from my perspective especially this tale start okay let me try to catch you up a Cinderella was Queen wonderful Queen we had taken an entire community of fairy godparents everyone was living with you know 70% Jew or 30% you know none maybe maybe 65 45 but happy people most of the time happy fairy got there suddenly you know everything went from terrific to the fairy godparents becoming ill Cinderella said well this is not good more illness got worse she said I need to deal with this she went out of she said I think this fancy kingdom many many journeys away I will go there maybe she left me in charge things started I think they were going well for a few hours this is weeks ago but for a few hours we wouldn’t do Cinderella you know when people knew she was still a couple days away but anyway then things went south or north or west or east were actually all four people uprisings we’re throwing the fairies out of the house is shortages org ogre invasions contract problems at some attempt i think i was going to build a giant pyramid at some point double-crossing and then tricking it all goes into the fairy Kingdom that was full of monsters getting trapped there hey I’m making be finding a town full of children well view adult fairy children complicated you can find all the other older episodes that have to sleep with me slash glass slipper and so were the closest thing I can catch you up to right now is that what happened we were eagerly awaiting Cinderella’s return but we knew she had been double-crossed by the king she was returning with his huge army came I suspect they’re after the fairy source and probably use Cinderella’s royal blood I don’t know what a royalty maybe creating royal but I don’t know but they had plans to double-cross her so I double-cross Cinderella’s she was thrown into a pit of lentils then they threw me into the pit of lentils you could listen to the other episodes if this doesn’t make any sense but I’ve been told I don’t make very much sense anyway so just a lie back listen to ya guys I tell you no I was I need is one or two more weeks of your time you know ideally a lifetime of your time if you’re if you if you would have me but I know oo I said we don’t want to have a you you’re a mad woman but so let me set the stage we’ve been thrown into a pit of lentils now you might say or you might have said to yourself last week pin pit of lentils that’s a strange thing you don’t come across everyday of course not said it was a bit weird right before before the army came I had made peace with the ogres in the monsters and the monsters a very good dick is like kind of like if you’ve seen a dog in a garden before and his if it’s your not your dog if it’s your dog and it’s an issue not your garden you say haha look at that I save it well that ways I have a such a good time digger do you dig that hole oh look at your tail waggers dig dig dig and dig dig digging or you know or if it’s a dog it’s your garden and not you and I said what could god that dog how did you dig up my whole life so these are the monsters that have been what he call it a trained by the ogres but you know brought under control by they were digging they dug us a lentil pit but then the ogres they said well we wait a second why would we but we have this fairy sauce that’s got a powerful jet of strange energy we could dig that all faster if we figure out some and they created some pie you know aqueduct pipes because we had run it anyway so they started using the force of the fairy jet for for digging this Little Bighorn I said we cuz you what’s digger so we started they started dig dig digging I said boys I’ve got an idea to get to the digging with your fairy jets and they said well we don’t know no you know we don’t know this I said we’re worried who cares about the side effects spray spray spray that stuff right into the ground and they said what’s leaking some of its getting into the soil and you know who knows what I said I don’t care dig those holes and then we had this giant hole and we used some of the dirt to make a road and then I said oh well they said what are you gonna do is the hole I said well I’ve always been partial those hidden pits covered with you know bamboo and grass that I’ve seen heard storytellers tell tales about but I don’t suppose that’s going to work so let’s fill it with the lentils and they said lentils where we’re going to get some and I said well if the children they you know the fairy sauce creates things for their needs the children are hungry for lentils so then we had plenty of lentils to fill the pit and now believe it or not we were we’re on the periphery of the pit we went down to the bottom of the pit after Cinderella was thrown into the pit the ogres were down at the bottom in a cavern adjacent to the pit with the lentils being held to bay by some system of what do you call the bamboo and wood and they pulled Cinderella to this cave and attached to the little pit and they tied her up as my prisoner and the children they drove in that was not the original plan but we had room for them so the ogres helped them get to the bottom and they were free and then I was thrown into the pit by there now we weren’t we weren’t out of the far away we were pretty much at the bottom of the pitches next to the bottom of the lentils and I stayed close and in Xerox and greezy and whatever one of those frito were one of the Afro Friedel they was something what a couple of the okis that I had taken a shine to me and we listened in the soldiers they surrounded the pit and the king or whatever the hell Prince whoever this big shot with the beard he said there’s no escape we have you surrounded and they had dogs and they said loggers know you’re down there you might as well give up you know we know you’re down there is no way you would perish in a bit of what are these some sort of seed or something I said that lentils you fall and he said he said come out of your pit of lentils I said we can’t just come out and he said well we’ll get you out you know or we will wait to you know ease and then they were discussing things and he said well surrounding the pit we need to find this source of fairy power and he said where wherever it were I can’t remember what he said I thought he said What did he say they thought he said own own own own oh no oh no oh no he said oh we move away from to come he’s it was as inspecting the fairies of fairy godparents he will locate the source for us and I said oh no that’s a new one and he’s a because we had hidden the fairy source we had a what we had done is or why I didn’t do anything I worked with there so they had piped it so that some of the pipes one was shooting off sending the fairy energy over the wall of the aqueducts the rest was pumping it into the ground no not exactly a spill-proof system but this is some sort of strange energy anyway but then the fairy sauce it must have known if something was going on so somehow at the village where the children live it became masked as like a a huddle of boulders but I’m sure if you were investigating you know I I don’t know it is very magic like some sort of magician and magicians are people that pretend they’re magic what do you call yourself if you actually make issue our fairy godparent but then what about a wizard wizard yes wizard wizard all right oh I don’t know Mike is that the same type of magic fairy magic wizard magic which in which in magic wicked wicked magic yeah you know magic of love is Cinderella like the magic of the heart oh boy she taught us to talk about that all the time even Agatha you just after anyway I cannot get off base here so we’ve got so I have somewhat of a plan so I and I need to run it by the children but basically says the summaries were surrounded by this buffoon in his troops and they think they’re planning on waiting us out or maybe you’re waiting to find the ferry source and then they’ll deal with us or they’ll deal with us it’s not like we’re the real we’re really in the way they don’t know we have a bunch of ogres and creatures and you know in an escape tunnel but let me bring the children in whatever me here and I think this is an antechamber there’s a larger chamber to attach to it that would be a like a cave like hall but this is a little room near the lentils where I can listen in and he’s okay crazy yeah you see I could get the other children bring them in here we need to speak okay children come on in come on hello hello you bougie Wilbur docker was that one of the ogres names I they just tend to be terrible with these strange okay kit children come on in no no no yes Ashley stack you keep Cinderella our prisoner in there I need to talk to the children alone if you had children no look you look so concerned and worried what’s the matter Gracie would you want to tell me something whoa oh you’re a little scared crazy okay well children sit down now you Agatha needs to talk to you first of all children I want to tell you what a wonderful job you did acting as as a mad children return to the wild wild children I think we could call you children you are the most wonderful wild children Griese your Wild Eyes carrying that strange staff that has always been a part of wild children’s antics in the wild returning once well I guess I don’t know if you were ever civilized children technically also the strange a matter of you being adults but we had masks that with the fairy energy but anyway looked like wild children there for a while you acted like wild children with your snarling but I went to chicken I know it now I guess that has a plan for everything so don’t be too frightened but I know you were all snarling at Cinderella and I want you to know that uh Cinderella has your best interests in mind and you will make everything right she will make everything right with you okay what is easier actual pulling on me what about you you okay you guys can see through me already well okay choose and we’re going to do some more acting is what I need to run by right this will be the roles of a lifetime for you for all you after you don’t really have to do anything but beat children you know baby yeah and I’m going to change I’ll be the one doing the acting but I want you in your hearts to know that the Agatha here with you now is the one who wants you to go with Cinderella and be safe now I will change in my acting role to an Agatha and Agatha old unfortunate children Agatha their lives they you know adult things we me and Sidwell are going to have a bit of an adult talk but it will be an acting role but instead of like the thing emitted all Cinderella I’m so sorry so good it will won’t be like that children it won’t be pretty you will hear things that you will say oh no should I be afraid no need to be afraid now but I understand children you can’t help but be afraid what is happening we were savage children then as if it was surrounded by soldiers were interacting with or ogres the woman we’ve it blamed for everything is here and I captive but a woman that came it’s very very trying times for your children but I can tell you what you have to look forward to if well I think everything’s going to work plan for you guys and so I’m going to act like I’m very mean and remember I told you once I was the mean mean person to Cinderella and I’m going to be that person again to her what even meaner than that I’m going to be but I don’t want you to be afraid shouldn’t just go I’ll just be acting for you you and you go as Cinderella and I won’t be staying here and I will be keeping you know everything safe I will be dealing with these soldiers we are going to you know exchange lentils they will have some lentils I will say yes a you know let’s let’s talk about peace and harmony let’s leave this very source alone for these children they probably they don’t understand everything even though it’s explained to me in it we’re not even part of the story the true I said tell me again what the hell is this thing and why are you not adults and what the heck and I don’t know but children that’s my understanding is not that important of this making sense of it making sense of it and all that don’t worry you you know I won’t you all say I want you to understand this don’t be afraid okay so I’m going to calling Sandra now don’t worry I won’t be shouting always with her I had a cool cruel cool cruel countenance AI believe so okay crazy good good good don’t worry now you can children gather round now I got to tell you I have a special couple fretwell a special friend named Gonzalo he will he’s just about your age a little bit of older younger and body more mature though as far as he’s a very sure so he’s going to help you all your little fairy godparents or parents or whatever the heck they are they will be so overjoyed I would hope they are getting healthy as we speak I don’t know how long that will take but in order to make sure they is get healthy would you like greasy or you’ve been worried about them I know you have pushed it away but you will return to them in Gonzales going to teach you how to make bone broth who would would volunteer to make bone broth would want to learn that to help me it’s very hard work I tell you it won’t be easy oh we ho many volunteers well who volunteer then to spoon bone broth into the lips of fairy godparent all of you oh wow it is very hard what you must balance a spoon balance of the broth and a spoon do I have a favor well I know you could all handle that I see you sitting up straight whoever is sitting up the straightest oh you are equally all sitting up straight all children now I’m going to need also some special special children to help me well we’ll help Gonzalo you know in when you are done with that you will have to sing to the fairy who is anyone good at singing or making oh it you are all actors I forgot I’m dealing with a troupe of performing the hottest so oh goodness these fairy godparents so are you ready okay so are you ready for me to act you’re ready to help me help your fairy godparents and in some sense children in a selfish way will be helping you will you leave don’t you feel good already puffing up your chest see I’m straight with your arms now who is going to be brave for me all of you and it won’t be easy no it won’t who is not going to worry about me when I act strangely and say turn your back and Agatha forever well we’ll work on that you’ll see when you see when you hear okay bring in Cinderella now yes there she is children the know crazy remember I trained you in Xerox and your pots okay now bring me say hello Cinderella it is I a katha your stepmother maybe you remember me you do she’s you know you don’t need to unloose a mouth just yet I don’t need to hear one word from I haven’t going to be the one do you know we finally captured you you might be confused say you were saying quite a few nasty things about me my dear yes you made one small error in trusting me yes I ain’t seriously won myself into your good graces Cinderella acted like owls I desired was your love your approval yo-you that i just wanted a little bit of your goodness to to shine on me and seep through my pores and and have maybe me and maybe you fell for that way you know evil is as evil does cinderella and i am a woman full of ambition full of in and i’ll tell you what i just cut to the chase you might say what i don’t understand you your good friend up there the bearded man a prince pumpernickel as i like to call him and i can tell by your confused eyes you’ve never heard that term it’s a secret term we use with each other and no you won’t get a chance to ask him any questions before we s a I said well hey I made him an offer he could not refuse a fairy source of endless power a minor minor sized Kingdom with fresh water supplies a mines nearby whatever I don’t even know the assets of your kingdom Cinderella kingdom soon to be my kingdom you understand I will be ruling in your stead as I have ruled in your stead the people will learn to love me when they see me empowered by the fairy power of some such things in ODI yo yo were you asking me though you can take off her thing crazy yeah go ahead oh you’re saying this doesn’t make any sense to Cinderella well let’s say yeah hey what do you mean what doesn’t make sense how would I have contacted Prince pumpernickel well cross a time and space of course well why why would I let you well yes you you think you’re seeing holes in my evil plan but let me let me just have you look upon this or this wall of bamboo holds upon it you might say why would you cast me into a pit of lentils why would I have made you sit in the half a full of a hash remember these days Cinderella you might say I don’t believe any of this that you’re an evil woman Agatha yeah you might say yeah I thought you would reform your ways or you were just a mite early not evil but you know grouchy reformed wrong wrong wrong you might say oh this doesn’t make any it we’re everything you’re saying is garbled and sounds like you’re making it up because you were so busy with so many other plans figuring out some of the angles you didn’t have time to construct a speech for me don’t you think Cinderella well was that baby wrong syndrome well I have a bit of lentils for I thought these lentils would be the perfect symbol for me of us he said well what I want Linda would just blame lentils who would choose to have create a pit of lentils why why lentils easy to get the roux to get to the bottom here I said well it’s not a bad idea was this antechamber and the larger chamber behind it and the passage out of this place and into your kingdom you might say well is that is this starting to sound like not such an evil plan anymore that she’s talking about what everybody would you see these lentils each little lentil I remember watching you pick them up and then falling asleep reawakening senior was still trying to pick out lentils in the hearth mixed in with ash and to this day I say why be so cruel Agatha would say well you know mistreated by my husband’s mistreated by my step-siblings mistreated by life in balanced chemically too much sunshine that day too much red wine what or I could just say I wanted to write I don’t know syndra there’s something in the inside me almost something leaving in the side me the creature well that’s what I used to tell myself some sort of creature that would make me do those things anyway I’d say well that didn’t know that I so well did it feel good to punish Cinderella so did it feel good to be so mean am i is terribly confusing being a mean cruel stepmother sometimes other times it was very clear and very they have my default mold I suppose and then something changed you know all these adventures and and saying well now that I have nothing and you are the Queen and the print what the time you were the best well I still later and maybe and you said no no no you your basic thing was all like it reform Agatha and I will and I did because you know by showing me kindness by making me learn or empathy and compassion use all but this still this giant pit of lentils you see and I’m not talking about the one out there just feet away from me I’m talking about the ones inside for then I was like well maybe it isn’t some creature that’s some you know a parasite that makes me mean maybe it’s a preference maybe it’s Who I am and you you still you’re shaking your head Cinderella you’re saying what I’m just talking to you a time well technically you could be correct but it ain’t Lee could be incorrect for I am about to become one with these these lentils and you might say well that’s what you see I could still take it tone with you Cinderella like you a little girl or not a queen but did you like I said that what what yes that’s what I specialize in taking a tone that is both degrading and demeaning dismissive makes you feel diminutive that’s both many Mordy things for i maybe i don’t know why i don’t know cinderella basically is the deal that stuff i told you earlier about bonding with this buffoon up there is a lie I’m going to take over this kingdom I am going to become a creature of evil unfortunately this was not acting children you need to leave with Cinderella that is the deal I’m going to bond with these lentils and become an evil queen I’m going to rise up I’m going to destroy this man and his army what they don’t know is that the ogres have already taken the gem from you Cinderella why you were tied up and they’ve sealed the door the fairy portal and now they are tunneling us they they have more or less tunneled the way out of out of there you know out of the kingdom they have tunneled their way out in the ogres these are August by the way so I don’t think I did a pass a possible pop-up I’m what is that go proper introduction to you these are ogres or goes org ogres long story syndra someone will fill you in back at the kingdom I don’t trust anything Dan says or Clifford Clifford maybe you’ll have to deal with them Cinderella because you’ll be Queen you will return you will return with the ogres they’re good goodish people you have to do some sort of negotiating with them I can it didn’t go well with me in charge but with you in charge it’ll be fine you’re going to take the children back and you’re going to escape now meanwhile I am going to turn to a group like I said I’m going to take all the evil inside me and I’m going to exploit it Cinderella I’m going to dig deep into that dark half of mine em him bond with each and every one of these lentils I think I’ve infused them with all of my cruelness and I am going to exact do I guess I don’t know reason I’m going to lash out at these troops out there in this King and you will escape now the problem is that all this land around us is infused with the same very energy I’ll be exploiting for to become don’t worry but you’ll need to escape for it won’t be like Oh Agatha has power she can defend us no I’ll go mad with evil energy I’m sure he might say well how can you be sure I go don’t don’t question me Cinderella don’t risk it be off take these children with you keep them safe now greasy Xerox these are the children’s leaders they are a bit scared but they will forgive you Cinderella for they think you abandoned them see how nice she is look at those eyes those are not just sparkly eyes children those the eyes of caring and concern for me Cinderella’s thinking she can’t speak for she wants it yes what is your name French fry I don’t know where you put them put a cooler mouth back up Cinderella’s but Tyson Ross about mouth pecker I don’t want to hear her touching speech about making you her sacrum is it not safe to be here much longer Oh curse they clearly understand right off all of you will escape it is it is nano now go yes Oh Oh grazie those lyrics yes I will hold you for a second I’m going to become Believe It or Not children I’m quite interested I’m going to bond with these lentils I’m going to pour fairy magic and me fairy sauce and I wasn’t kidding I think all these lentils that represent all the wrong I’ve done and I’m going to become one with it now children I didn’t tell I don’t want to tell anger though this but what is going to happen is I’m going to jeopardize the fairy sauce and I have a strange feeling that that’s not going to be okay with Fairey sauce if i infused the dark power ad will try to infuse the thing about this do what needs to be done that’s what I remember from the first story I don’t really remember the rules of very magic or the things but I remember if you using fairy magic you’re supposed to do what needs to be done in the fairy magic makes sure that happens and what I need to do is turn super evil and I know this as well as that doesn’t yes and then I will fight these soldiers and something will befall me which will set things right in and what I’m ideally hoping children’s that just have wipe everything out you can come back with your fairy godparents hopefully you know I remember a tale where you know the evil got exploded or something and turned into fireworks became flower seeds and forever that was a bed of wild oh no no no that was a there was a boy that climbed up a hey maybe I don’t know maybe he stole the seeds and they fell out of his pocket as he was running from the Giant and that’s why there was a bed of wealth anyway that’s what I am going to believe children and when you come and sniff the flowers with my friend Gonzalo maybe you could bring the Sheep here no don’t because I don’t want sheep going to the bathroom on me if I may have my senses now his flowers as a matter of fact I would prefer not to be flowers I don’t know whatever I will go Gazoo not scones about our cows either just remember me tell the tale instead of telling the tale of Agatha tell the tale of miss butter makeup Butterworth butterworth bottom maker I think that was it Butterworth butter maker forget about me okay okay it’s okay children go with Cinderella goons got proper Chacon bloke are poor yes I’m talking ogre now children you won’t understand it because they see that means take the children against the will if you need to you know tempt them with the candy teeth of the creature first and then okay go ahead should I need you to be brave and remember you’ve already promised me to help so technically you don’t have a choice go ahead go off be off with you goodbye greezy I love you so goodbye Cyrax I do love you so remember no sheep will pee on me well hopefully they can’t just talk about maybe teach but I’m making and I hurt hopefully butter is a super super healthy food or whatever the hell they called it and not terribly because I remember the one man from the anyway not important children hopefully this all works out my plan what could possibly go wrong nothing could possibly go wrong when you’re doing evil to do good what you do and I will be the best bodies children I’ve all listened one more thing before you go this is a it is a speech to end speaking you know is you know I I’ve always dreamed of being unbelievably mad with power you know I used to see if I was a queen I would nominate and now I get to do that I will for a brief time I’m sure I will feel that’s what I’m hoping it would if a if it does not work you’ll still be gone if it doesn’t work I’ll just be a distraction I will make I can act children just like I’m a mad lentil I could say oh I have a lentil pit pit lentil demons down here you know the children are gone oh that you don’t know maybe I’ll just pretend if the Pantages well the children are sleeping please don’t wake them and then I’ll say oh let me show you to the fairy source right away and then I’ll buy some time what are they going to do so just be gone goodbye you’ve already promised oh yes I kiss your forehead says no no no no no chief Oh Gracie okay I’ll kiss your cheeks okay Cinderella you’ve been listening in let me kiss you my dear and hug you I’m sorry that I Cinderella I am sorry that I could not keep you I’m sorry you left me in charge of your kingdom I did try my best and this is what happens total disaster hopefully averted well as you know God will make the best of a bad situation as they say or me trying to make a best of a good situation made it worse trying to fix that made it worse than new hire to try to fake a pyramid thing that blew up then you could go over who overtaking and then you try to double-cross them trick them as you miss Buttermaker Butterworth bringing them if I discover these children now then we found that I found the saw Cinderella so there you go and in little do this anyone know it’s flowing back into the kingdom now so why don’t you go check on the fairy godparents for the love of goodness gracious as they would say have a scone goodbye and I’m sorry for being so incompetent that hopefully this is where my incompetence ends one way or another it probably will and if you see a tattered a letter man well that would be weird because he would have it maybe I well that would be straight no probably you won’t busy take good care of Gonzalo for me Cinderella if he was only older I’d say marry him but I don’t know he’s underage and not of age – even you could probably hold hands you don’t have a daughter but anyway not important okay so goodbye goodbye I have work to do there the soldiers are screaming so I’m going to go deal with that and with that they were riding off and I am going to the edge of it and I’m this is my plan ladies and gentlemen uh like I said I think maybe I will I was kind of joshing about that becoming a evil lentil queen but I’m thinking well maybe I’m going to dump this whole jar of fairy magical essence on my head and then go you know worked my way to the surface I figured out a way to shift my weight if I make a worm I can actually go upward in the lentils it’s quite fun so if I’m going to in the lentils they go down my dress the back in the front in the tickle me and then you know I know then my sacks have lentils but whatever I won’t to be worried about it for long so yes this is a I was so they’re gone and I’m going it was like why don’t we just go why don’t you come along with me and see what happens we’ll I’ll be telling you oh no this will be yes why don’t you come on and I will have I ever hmm so let’s go and see what’ll I must go to this Pinto join me as I work my way up through the lentils and let’s see what happens okay I’m just going to take a few breaths here Henry go into these lentils and push any doubts of all the convinced a-anyway wriggling they’re yelling to me they hear the dogs are barking I’m coming up queen of lentils coming to the surface okay maybe I should this is a lid on this container yeah we cool up hopefully they won’t restrict it rody I should have poured this on my head before I got to this surface but anyway me I’m popping my head up no way a rose I don’t know how my voice carries with diesel anyway pop and I look around and there I am surrounded by soldiers and barking dogs and they’re not far from the edge of the Regal bearded man looking quite unhappy with me and he’s there you like we queen of lentils who who the hell are you and I Sam needed a name the Queen Vallejo ma I am the queen of lentils correct and much worse than that I’m the defender of this kingdom and you’re falling into my trap and he laughs and he says your trap or giant four headed wrinkled face woman whose permanent scowl is frightening the men and beast alike except for the dogs then I frightened so easily and I say well you know mistaken then and I said let me just freshen up a bit before we get familiar and then I took the jar of fairy essence I poured it over my head like a he flowed like an invisible liquid and they said what are you doing you madwoman and they said fall out of the pit and with a couple men came close to the pit and I suddenly felt my it was like my Elaine’s had grown an extension and they got close to the pit I reached out of my fingers and that’s if so my fingers are reached into the became my lentils I can’t describe the feeling it was so so organic I I felt like my fingers were like I had a lentil fantasy I felt like normal fingers and I felt so normal I didn’t say well that’s strange my fingers I thought he feet long no wrapping around these men and pulling them into the lentil pit and now I’m I’m laughing and suddenly my abdomen he’s one with the lentils like a giant weaving almost like a snake woman but not as frightening because the lentils you know they’re not a shiniest scales and then I hear myself cackling with a mad anger no no I won’t cackle now but I cat golden I said you have awoken the darkness stalkers in your beard is and by the way is that your natural be it color and he said it is and I said oh well you have you a good stock but you made one mistake crossing Cinderella and he said well I thought you were looking for vengeance even your your crazed children working for where where are they and I said they’ve been absorbed into the lentils and he said to me you lie and I say well who are you to it and then the soldiers I noticed he was distracting me his soldiers gathered around me they started throwing spears but to throw a spear into a pit of lentils is like throwing a spear into a pit of lentils it is a senseless in a then I noticed I could flick out lentils like a little powerful jig you know those kids they were shooting spitballs these were lentil balls but traveling at a very high pace enough to were unfortunately for the people who and a man into soldiers careers a soldier we shall say and as a as some of his men fell down ease troops gather closer and they they gathered in and he said we he was a brave man I said I said I usually double crosses it’s secret plans at cowards you’re no cowards and he said you was a coward you double-cross me with a secret double-cross I believe and I say you’re correct in that for you’re trapped in here with me the grain of lentils and then I spun around it was quite oh the feeling of spinning when you are both solid and not a liquid but a flowing you know globules oh it felt like magical I spun around in circles I almost lost but then I noticed that you could shoot little lentils out I took out some more his soldiers not many just enough to make my point and I said you still feeling courageous and he said well courageous but not confident what what is your game beast I said and I said usually it’d be a long non-speech but I’ve given too many speeches two days so I suppose I could just take you all out how many soldiers do you have on the outside and he said plenty and I said well they won’t stay true to you when they know you’re trapped in here with the lentil queen lentil Beast and I could see this man he was like wow I could see why Cinderella she fell under is yeah he said he’s a keen eyes I can feel this brain calculating both do you know he must have equal sides good and evil just like a you know 51% evil brain well maybe he and I said what did you what was your plan he had capture the fairy sauce take over the cannon defend us from invaders from foreign lands or some and he said you something like he said unify the kingdoms for I in Cinderella were the last Royals you know the great purchase of the Kings and the lesser Kings very few houses escape those purges but you know the house of the men Cinderella married in my house and he said you know I was spoke to many of them who had heard from many letters from me and you went on and on about a commerce and unified Commerce in the same garbage Clifford’s friends with spirit trickled down this by lifting the standards for the highest man who lowest man would bootstrap himself by inspiration and by keeping you commerce go away I don’t know they said that’s a load of crap you sir and he said it’s not having an economic economic you have Studios and I said I you sound like a crapper crap anomic you in but then I noticed I could feel the fairy energy even in the air so I shook the earth I said do I have your attention now and he said you do when I notice a war I had shook ear so that water was releasing and strange stinky gases things and I said well this feels even more wonderful wet wet my pit is filling with water and I’m lentils that it’s like I’m having a bath but I’m also I’m also boy inside and then I know so saying that out loud but he was studying me and I said well I I am a creature of evil now be a lentil Beast we could show we just battle non-stop how many soldiers do you have left and I noticed probably he had quite a few but I said well I just have lentil and then I saw him sniffing the air and then I saw him he said okay he said what weawy she goes he backed up and so maybe I should just take him out why my debating him but he did feel like in my equal I felt like I could be cheap to just hit him in the forehead with a lentil and then take hers and that doesn’t very very brave for a courageous man I was hoping he would like take his sword and dive into the lentil pit and then I was absorbed him in and shoot him back out and you know throw fists at him and he would black it with his shield and you know let your lentil bits and he would hit it away with his sword not much action when he backed away and he conferred with his soldiers and then I said what was this oh then the air was thick with this thick stinky gas and I said hmm and then I notice he said hey it’s time for some lentil stew boys and his soldiers they started started firing up their torches and I said there’s a lentil stew and then they cast the torches at me and I noticed the gas igniting in the water around me starting to bubble and boil I said I’m a I’m heating up here and his soldiers began throwing the torches in the water in the gas began to ignite and I think the gas had both permeated who would date a waiter I was like this is frakking terrible I meant to say terrible but but I said this frakkin around in the earth again I’m so and then I watch this of water heat in the earth he did even which you never wanted the earth is like an oven when a warm earth so I was like I was being baked and walk baked inside of water being boiled not sure if that’s poaching my daughter my daughter attempted to you know she was running the ins kitchen she was enough to cook she was the one in charge and they cooks it what did we poach some eggs my dear and she said what and she told me I said what the hell is that she said exactly mother that’s what I said is it a poached egg is cooked in why I said well you cook an egg in water with its shell on hot boil and they said no no no no without it she I said would you fool you know poach I’ll poach you you’re trying to rip my daughter off no no no I’m paid whatever I you know for whatever I see you wasting egg in water and then but now as the but now is the water heated around me and the soldiers gather I mean they kept lighting gas and they back to office that was a huge flame but it was the very earth that was you know baking the water around me I don’t know if that was poaching again I’m not sure you know kept them you know from from getting you know they would have to dodge a gas jet would flame up around them but they said and watch and I said oh no what I guess I am poaching I can see the egg would solidify it cook had tried to show me and I ended up at knocking the pot on the ground I said none of your witchcraft and I began to heat up in my temper be any heat up but my baby I notice lentils I think suddenly I felt sluggish to the the serpentine-like motion of loose lentils mixed with fairy magic mixed with you know the powers and shaking and now I felt slow and in thickening I felt like I was thickening and and they said oh no I’m it was all being the liquid that is the cooking liquid but there is not enough for the gases and they they chanted and they began marching around me saying queen of lentils baba pintles spice I said you’re going to eat it and then the cast was heady and I was becoming I says this is this the end am I being cooked Mao just losing consciousness what is it is so irritating that handsome bearded man with the wildly eyes I should have taken him out the easy winner and I drifted off to children and other people listening to this tale I drifted to the land of dreams Oh to land of crossing over I do not know I just know I drifted drifted away drifted in a dreamlike world sound smell sulfur like smells of slow-moving lentils that still retain the shape eh are in this lentils flurry created from the very lentil itself we’re so thick and unyielding and I drifted away sinking in my own lentil morass Oh into a dream like well why don’t you sleep as I sleep – hopefully this tale will continue to paint a lintel stir me up please i’m coagulating maybe i’d like to be evenly cooked if i is this poaching I don’t know oh no lentil queen good bye-bye baby maybe I’m sleeping low don’t worry so


  • Great podcast as always! I know it takes a lot of work to do these and just want to say thanks!

  • When she was talking about not understanding what poached eggs are and said:
    …and then the cook said, "Here, I'll show you." But then I knocked the pot on the ground and I said, "None of your witchcraft!"
    I actually laughed out loud. 🙂

  • I’m sad that I’m getting close to the end of this tale, I’ve been on it for so long, maybe I’ll start game of drones

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