Amy – David Mitchell’s cowboy boot seller? Joe Lycett’s model? Nish Kumar’s sleepy mate?
Please welcome this week’s
special guest – Amy. So, Joe, what is Amy to you? – This is my friend Amy and I
grossly offended her when I made a less-than-perfect
sculpture of her head. – Nish, how do you know Amy? – This is my friend Amy. We became
friends after I found her asleep in a box of
volleyballs. – And finally, David, what is your
relationship with Amy? – This is Amy, she is the charity
shop worker who sold my shoes whilst I was otherwise engaged
trying on a pair of cowboy boots. – Lee, where do you want to start? – Nish, remind us again. – I found her in a box of…
– Oh, yes.
– ..volleyballs. – First of all, where were you where
there was a box of volleyballs? – I was working at a leisure centre
just after I left school and Amy was also working there over
the summer between school and uni and they sent me to check on
the volleyballs. – Whoa, whoa, to check on the
volleyballs? – MILES: That’s a good job for a new
guy. – “Make sure the volleyballs aren’t
messing around.” Had your manager recently been
watching Toy Story? – I believe the technical term was
“conduct inventory”. So I was just trying to make sure.
– You’re supposed to count them? – Yeah, you’re supposed to count
them and it turned out that what she
was doing was, because no-one really
wanted to play volleyball, she’d found the perfect spot to have
a mid-work sleep in. – How big was this box?
– It was, like, woman-sized. – Could she stretch…? Woman-size?
– Yeah. – You’ve heard of a volleyball
coffin. You know, that’s how they transport
volleyballs. – So you opened it up and you
saw…? – A sleeping woman. – Amongst all these volley balls.
How many were there? – Like, I think probably, like, 35. – You see, you’ve just said to me
that this box was woman-sized. Now, the largest woman I’ve ever
seen is still smaller than 35 volleyballs. I’ve used this as a chat-up line. When a woman says, “Oh, I feel a bit
fat in this,” I’ll always go, “Don’t be silly, you look less than
35 volleyballs to me.” So she’s… Did you wake her up? – Yes, and so we became friends, because then I would also often have
a nap in the volleyballs. – What was her job…? What was she supposed to be doing at
– We, we, we were… – Perhaps she was sent to count the
volleyballs earlier and had become bored by the monotony
of the process. The boss – “I keep sending people to
count the volleyballs “and they never come back.” – Working at the leisure centre, Nish, what else did your job demand
of you? – Basically, all-round dogsbody, so I would work on the front desk
sometimes. – I thought you were going to say
all round ball games. – So, everything except rugby. – Bowls, David.
– What? – They’re not totally spherical in
bowls, that’s why they curve. – I would say colloquially they’re
still round, though. – Oh, hello, it’s all kicking off at
bridge club. – All right, who else would you like
to quiz? – OK, Joe, what situation were you
in where you were sculpting her
head? – We… I-I have an office in
Birmingham where I live. – That’ll do. So, yeah, I totally believe this, I
mean that, that makes it, you can answer any question you
like, I don’t mind. You have an office in Birmingham?
– Yeah. – Why? – Just to…to write jokes and be
creative in. – So, you went to this office to
write jokes and said to your friend, “Would you
like to come along, “sit in a corner and I’ll sculpt
your head”? – “I’ve been looking for a use for
all that clay I keep in my office.” – Had you just been watching a
Lionel Richie video? Hello? So did you know how to do this?
– No. But, yeah, I thought practice makes
perfect, so I called Amy and… – How long did you spend doing it? – Maybe an hour or so. – Weren’t you tempted to just make
it really soft, get her face, push it into it… ..then do the back of her head and
then go, “Well, at least I’ve got a mould”? – You said she was offended by this
– Yes, she was offended. – So what did you end up with? – It didn’t look like her.
– What did it look like? – It looked more like Ainsley
Harriott. – OK, now, what about David? I’m
looking forward to this. What was it you claimed, David? – That-that Amy is the charity shop
– That’s right.
– Oh, yes. – ..who sold my shoes whilst I was
otherwise engaged trying on a pair of cowboy boots. – Can you talk us through the
incident, please? – Well, I was in the charity shop.
– Which charity shop? – It was a Marie Curie charity shop
near where I live.
– OK. I’m setting the scene before this,
you’re at home, you’re thinking, “It’s about time I got myself some
cowboy boots, “but I’m not willing to commit to a
new pair in case I go off the idea.” – “Just on the very slightest
off-chance “they don’t turn out to suit me and
my personality.” – Cowboy boots, I’ll be honest with
you, don’t particularly appeal to me aesthetically.
– Wow, that surprises me. – I don’t think they go with what I
like to call my style. – Well, how would you describe that
style, David? – I-I don’t… I think my style is
indescribable. – Oh, no, I could describe it. – Well, let’s… I think it’s best
– OK. – I wasn’t sitting at home plotting
the purchase of some cowboy boots. I was pottering around near my house
and I saw the Marie Curie shop and I saw in the window what looked
like a nice selection of second-hand novels.
– Right. – And I went in and it wasn’t a nice
selection of second-hand novels, it was all Ken Follett crap. But I did notice the array of shoes and I tend to take my shoes off at
home and maybe wear slippers or socks – I don’t want this to get
too sexy. – Hang on, I need my inhaler again. – So what I vaguely was on the
lookout for was a pair of everyday, easy-to-put-on, non-lacing shoes
that I could keep by the back door in case I needed to pop into the
garden for some gardening. – But you said you’d taken some of
your shoes to the charity shop. – I was, I was wearing shoes. – You decided to take them off in
the shop and hand them to her? – When you go shoe shopping do you
go barefoot? – When I take shoes…
– Does somebody take you seriously? – When I take shoes… – “Don’t keep me waiting, look how
badly I need them!” – But when I take shoes to the Sue
Ryder shop, I choose shoes that I no longer want. I don’t
wander round and then go, “Do you know what? “You
can have these if you want.” Why would you do that? You take them
ready to give. – I wasn’t, it was not my plan… – Can I just say, Rob, you’re the
only person in the whole of the United Kingdom watching this
that isn’t following this story. – APPLAUSE Well, he said… He said he took off his shoes. – Why do you think he took his shoes
off? – To try the other ones!
– To try the cowboy shoes on. – Ohhh! Right, sorry, sorry. Well, David… David, I owe you an
– Thank you. – There you are in the shop…
– Yeah. I’m in the shop and I spot these
cowboy boots and to me they look sort of quite loose and easy to slip
– What length? – Um…
– Not width, length.
– Well, I’d say that long. – About that, so they’re coming up
to just below the knee? – They’re not, you know…
– How tall are you, Rob? They’re not going to… – For me, they’d be thigh length.
– “I can’t see over these.” “Aaah!” – No, I would say they’re, for a
cowboy, they’re shortish…
– Leather or suede? – ..but they’re not ankle boots.
– Leather or suede? – Leather and with a sort of, bit
of, you see, I don’t know the technical
shoe terms, but sort of like, like a bit of crenulation sort of
flapping underneath. I’m just going to have to use the
terminology of the medieval castle, it’s the only way I have of
describing it. Anyway, they look like… – So, you saw them, you saw the
– Yeah, I saw them.
– OK. – So I thought, you know, “I’ll try
– Yeah. – But they were slightly harder to
get on than I imagined.
– Ah. – People in the shop, I imagine,
were going, “Why is David Mitchell trying on
cowboy boots?” – The shop wasn’t as packed as
you’re imagining. In fact, I thought myself to be the
only customer there.
– Right. – I was soon disabused of that. – When did you notice that your own
shoes had been sold? – I think, well, I-I remember I
walked to the back of the shop in the cowboy boots, restraining an
urge to walk like John Wayne, and when I came back towards the
shoe area I noticed that my shoes weren’t
there. – And did you see who’d bought them?
– I didn’t, no. – I’m picturing a scene where you
walk out the shop and you walk home and then, a few minutes later, a
cowboy goes up to the counter and says, “Excuse me, I was just
trying on a pair of…” And then behind him, a clown and a
sailor… This just goes on all day. Round and
round. – David, David, I don’t know you,
I’ve just got to know you today, and I admire you very much, but what
I know of you from watching you on TV, the cowboy boots are just…
I can’t buy it. I can’t imagine you’d even try them
on. – Well, in which case, then, you
should say that I’m lying. – That I might do. – So, we need an answer. Lee’s team, is Amy Joe’s miffed
model, Nish’s sleepy sidekick or David’s sneaky shoe seller? – I’m more inclined to believe Nish,
– You believe Nish.
– Yeah. – Because?
– Because, I dunno, I just think Amy and Nish look like they could be
really good mates. – Miles, you think?
– Well, I was looking at her very
closely while Joe was talking about
sculpting her, she looked quite icy about the whole thing and, of
course, she was very offended in the story, but during David’s story she looked,
I mean, understandably, baffled. – I think it might be Joe, actually.
What do you think? – Well, I’m not… I’m beginning to
think, I mean, it doesn’t even matter what
I think. I mean, your own… I mean, my job really is to agree
with you. I mean, you are a man… – Are we trying to re-enact Dad’s
Army here? – “Do you think that’s wise, sir?” – LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE – I think Nish is telling the truth. – You think Nish is telling the
truth. You think Nish is telling the
truth. – Yeah.
– Right, in that case… I’ll go
with what my team say. – You’re saying it’s Nish. – No, I’m overruling! I’m going with
Joe. – Are you seriously?
– I feel it’s Joe.
– All right. Amy, would you please reveal your
true identity? – I’m Amy, and I’m Joe’s friend. – This is the sculpture that Joe… HE LAUGHS Good Lord! This is the sculpture – get ready
for this. You will never in your lifetime witness a worse sculpture than this. You poor, poor woman. Yes, Amy is Joe’s miffed model. Thank you very much, Amy.
– Thank you.