9 Critical Mistakes Most Couples Make – Dr. David Hawkins – Host, Dr. Freda Crews


>TIME FOR HOPE HAS HAD THE
PRIVILEGE OF HAVING MANY GIFTED AND INSIGHTFUL AUTHORS APPEAR AS
OUR GUESTS THROUGH THE YEARS AND WE HAVE DECIDED TO RERUN, FROM
TIME TO TIME, SOME OF OUR PAST SHOWS RELATED TO SUBJECTS THAT
DID AND WILL AGAIN GIVE OUR VIEWERS THE OPPORTUNITY TO BE
INFORMED AND INSPIRED TO ACCEPT THE CHALLENGES THEY ARE
CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING IN THEIR LIVES. TO HELP COUPLES
STRENGTHEN THEIR RELATIONSHIPS, DR FREDA HAS CHOSEN TO RERUN HER
INTERVIEW WITH DR DAVID HAWKINS AS THEY DISCUSSED HIS BOOK “9
CRITICAL MISTAKES MOST COUPLES MAKE”.>THANK YOU FOR JOINING US ON
TIME FOR HOPE A FAITH BASED MENTAL HEALTH PROGRAM. OUR GUEST
TODAY IS CLINICAL PSYCHOLOGIST, AUTHOR AND CONFERENCE SPEAKER
DR. DAVID HAWKINS AND WE’RE DISCUSSING HIS BOOK 9 CRITICAL
MISTAKES MOST COUPLES MAKE. EVERYBODY MAKES MISTAKES AND THE
CONSEQUENCES ARE OFTEN SMALL AND EASY TO RESOLVE. BUT WHEN
MARRIAGE PARTNERS CONSISTENTLY MAKE ONE OR MORE OF THE NINE
CRITICAL MISTAKES THEY CAN GET INTO REAL TROUBLE. DR. HAWKINS
AND I WANT TO HELP YOU RECOGNIZE THE CRITICAL MISTAKES THAT YOU
MAY BE MAKING IN YOUR MARRIAGE SO THAT YOU CAN TURN YOUR
MARRIAGE AROUND BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE.>DAVID I DON’T HAVE TO TELL YOU
AGAIN DO I? I DON’T NEED TO REPEAT HOW MUCH I APPRECIATE
YOUR COMING AND BEING ON TIME FOR HOPE.>AND THE FEELINGS ARE MUTUAL, I
LOVE BEING HERE.>AND YOUR BOOKS ARE ALWAYS
GREAT, YOU DO A REALLY GOOD JOB.>THANK YOU.>REALLY QUICK QUESTION ABOUT
THIS ONE, WHY 9 CRITICAL MISTAKES? YOU COULDN’T FIND
ANYMORE?>I COULD COME UP WITH SOME FANCY
ANSWER ABOUT WHY NINE BUT THE HONEST ANSWER IS I REFLECTED ON
YOU KNOW WHAT ARE THE MAJOR ISSUES. YOU KNOW WHEN YOU THINK
ABOUT OKAY EVERY MARRIAGE THAT’S IN TROUBLE AND YOU THINK OKAY I
MEAN WHAT ARE THE PATTERNS AND I JUST SAT DOWN AND SAID OKAY
THAT’S A PATTERN, THAT’S A PATTERN, THAT’S A PATTERN AND IT
CAME UP TO NINE. SO THAT’S ALL.>YOU COULDN’T GET 10 OUT OF IT?
NO WAY IN THE WORLD HUH?>THAT’S ALL THERE IS DR. FREDA,
NOT 11, NOT EIGHT, NINE.>YOU NAILED IT AT NINE DAVID.
RIGHT OFF THE BAT LET ME ASK YOU THIS I’M OF THE OPINION THAT
THESE PATTERNS YOU JUST REFERRED TO PROBABLY DEVELOP WITHIN THE
FIRST YEAR OF MARRIAGE. DO YOU THINK I’M RIGHT ON THAT OR DO
THEY DEVELOP OVER A PROCESS OF TIME?>I WOULD GO BACK EVEN FURTHER
THAN THAT.>FURTHER THAN THAT? OR BEGIN TO
DEVELOP I SHOULD SAY THAT.>I THINK PEOPLE COME INTO
MARRIAGE THROUGH CERTAIN PATTERNS OF RELATING. OKAY THEY
HAVE DEVELOPED THESE PATTERNS, THEY MAY COME FROM AN ALCOHOLIC
FAMILY OR THEY MAY COME FROM A LEAVE IT TO BEAVER FAMILY BUT
THEY’VE STILL DEVELOPED PATTERNS OF RELATING. THEY THEN GET WITH
THEIR MATE AND THEN THEY DEVELOP THESE CRITICAL MISTAKES.>THEY GROW THEM DON’T THEY?>THEY DO AND YOU KNOW HOW WE ARE
WITH PATTERNS AND MISTAKES. I MEAN YOU KNOW WE PUT ON THESE
PAIR OF SHOES AND WE JUST KEEP WEARING THEM AND THEN THEY START
FORMING TO OUR FEET AND SO THESE MISTAKES WE MAKE THEM AGAIN AND
AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OVER TIME THEY BECOME DISASTROUS.>BUT ALSO INVOLVED IN THAT
DAVID, AND WE’RE GOING TO BE GETTING INTO SOME REAL
PSYCHOTHERAPY HERE, IN THE MEANTIME ISN’T THERE SOME SENSE
OF SECURITY AND COMFORT WITHIN ALL OF THIS UGLINESS THAT IS
DEVELOPING INTO A PATTERN?>OH, COME ON DR. FREDA WHO WANTS
TO CHANGE? I MEAN CHANGE IS JUST, YOU KNOW I MEAN DON’T WE
JUST RESIST CHANGE LIKE CRAZY? I MEAN I COUNSEL AND YOU KNOW
THIS, YOU’RE A COUNSELOR, YOU KNOW WE HAVE COUPLES COMING INTO
OUR OFFICE AND THEY SAY WHAT WE’RE DOING IS NOT WORKING AND
THEN SO WE SAY WELL THEN HOW ABOUT IF WE THINK ABOUT
CHANGING? OH NO NO, NOT THAT. I JUST WANT TO FEEL BETTER. SO YES
WE GRAB TENACIOUSLY ONTO THESE PATTERNS AND I TELL YOU
SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE I’M TRYING TO PRY FINGERS OFF OF A STONY
HARD BRITTLE ROCK AND YET THEY HANG ON TO THESE MISTAKES. THEY
KNOW INTELLECTUALLY THAT IT’S HURTING THEM BUT THEY GIVE THEM
UP.>AND IT’S NOT WORKING LIKE IT IS.>AND IT’S NOT WORKING AND SO I
MEAN I HOPE THAT WHAT I’VE WRITTEN HERE, I HOPE THAT WHAT
WE DO TOGETHER HERE IS REALLY GOING TO CHALLENGE PEOPLE. COME
ON YES IT’S HARD TO LET GO OF PATTERNS BUT YOU’VE GOT TO
BECAUSE THEY’RE KILLING YOU.>AT LEAST START LOOKING AT THEM
AND HELP THAT AWARENESS TO DEVELOP YOU KNOW IN GETTING
HONEST WITH THEMSELVES THAT IT’S NOT WORKING LIKE IT IS. THAT’S
WHAT YOU’RE DOING HERE AFTER ALL, WHY ARE YOU HERE, IF IT’S
WORKING WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? AND THE FIRST THING THAT YOU
START OUT WITH IN YOUR BOOK IS WHERE I USUALLY LIKE TO START
AND THAT IS LEARNING FROM OUR MISTAKES. EVERYBODY MAKES THEM
BUT IF WE DON’T LEARN FROM THEM.>YOU KNOW I LEARNED SOMETHING
THAT’S VERY PROFOUND, I TALK ABOUT THIS, IT’S PROFOUND TO ME
AND I HOPE YOU WILL FIND IT EQUALLY PROFOUND AND IT’S CALLED
PATTERN INTERRUPTION. THAT’S IT, IT’S A TECHNIQUE, IT’S CALLED
PATTERN INTERRUPTION. IN OTHER WORDS SOMETIMES I COUNSEL
COUPLES TO DO, SO WE IDENTIFY THE PATTERN AND WE’RE GOING TO
TALK ABOUT A COUPLE OF THEM TODAY BUT WE IDENTIFY THE
PATTERN AND THEN DO ANYTHING DIFFERENT. I MEAN I DON’T CARE
WHAT YOU DO, DO ANYTHING DIFFERENT. WE’RE GOING TO
INTERRUPT THAT PATTERN AND WE’RE GOING TO BREAK THAT YOU KNOW
INSTEAD OF DOING THE SAME THING BUT WHAT DO THEY SAY, DO THE
SAME THING OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND EXPECT DIFFERENT RESULTS AND
THAT’S CALLED INSANITY. OKAY IT’S NOT GOING TO BE DIFFERENT
IF YOU KEEP DOING IT BUT PATTERN INTERRUPTION THAT’S WHAT WE’RE
ALL ABOUT.>YES AND MAYBE SOMETIMES JUST
BRINGING THAT TO THE PARTNER’S ATTENTION YOU KNOW IS THAT THIS
IS THE WAY IT ALWAYS, THIS IS WHAT IT ALWAYS COMES TO. HERE WE
ARE AGAIN AT THE SAME PLACE, SAYING THE SAME THING, DOING THE
SAME THING. JUST MAYBE GETTING THAT OUT IN THE OPEN COULD START
THAT INTERRUPTION THAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT.>IF IT’S PREDICTABLE, IT’S
PREVENTABLE AND IF COUPLES CAN DEVELOP WHAT I CALL A THIRD EYE,
IN OTHER WORDS WATCHING HOW WE ARE INTERACTING. AND THIS IS A
SKILL DR. FREDA, IT REALLY IS FOR COUPLES TO BE ABLE TO
COMMUNICATE AND WE IDENTIFY THE PATTERN AND THEN I SAY TO THEM
NOW I WANT YOU TO WATCH FOR THAT PATTERN THROUGHOUT THIS WEEK AND
WHEN I MEET WITH YOU NEXT WEEK I WANT YOU TO TELL ME HOW MANY
TIMES YOU NOTICED YOURSELF FALLING INTO THAT PATTERN. SO
WITH A THIRD EYE THEY ARE CATCHING THEMSELVES SO THEY ARE
AWARE OF THEIR PATTERNS. IF IT’S PREDICTABLE, IT’S PREVENTABLE,
THANK GOD.>NOW WHAT ELSE WOULD YOU ADD TO
LEARNING FROM OUR MISTAKES, LEARNING FROM THESE PATTERNS,
THESE MALADAPTIVE PATTERNS, LOOKING AT THEM AND LEARNING
FROM THEM? SO YOU’RE SAYING THAT WE MAKE THESE MISTAKES AND WE
NEED TO RECOGNIZE THEM AND THEN RECOGNIZING THEM AND MAKING
CHANGE.>INTERRUPTING THEM AND THEN WE
IDENTIFY SOME NEW BEHAVIORS AND WE PRACTICE SOME NEW BEHAVIORS
AND ESSENTIALLY YOU KNOW MY COUNSELING IS VERY SIMPLE. WATCH
WHAT WORKS AND WATCH WHAT DOESN’T WORK YOU KNOW AND WE’RE
GOING TO ERADICATE WHAT DOESN’T WORK AND WE’RE GOING TO BUILD
UPON WHAT DOES WORK. SO IT’S PROFOUNDLY DIFFICULT AND IT’S
PROFOUNDLY EASY.>YES AND IT’S A GOOD NOTE TO GO
OUT ON AND WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK.>THE FAILURE TO MEET THESE
IMPORTANT EMOTIONAL NEEDS DESTROYS A ROMANTIC
RELATIONSHIP. SO IF YOU’RE NOT MEETING EACH OTHER’S IMPORTANT
EMOTIONAL NEEDS, YOU’RE NOT IN A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP AND THAT
CREATES A VACUUM. THIS MAKES A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP WITH
SOMEBODY ELSE VERY TEMPTING AND SO THE TWO SORT OF GO TOGETHER.
IF YOU ARE MEETING EACH OTHER’S EMOTIONAL NEEDS YOU’LL HELP
PROTECT YOUR MARRIAGE FROM INFIDELITY AS WELL AS STAYING IN
LOVE WITH EACH OTHER. IF YOU DON’T MEET EACH OTHER’S
EMOTIONAL NEEDS, YOU RUN A VERY HIGH RISK OF SOMEBODY COMING IN
AND MEETING THOSE NEEDS, YOUR SPOUSE FALLING IN LOVE WITH THAT
PERSON AND THINKING THAT YOU SHOULDN’T BE MARRIED ANYMORE. WE
HEAR THIS EVERY TIME WE DO A RADIO SHOW, THAT SOMEONE HAS
FALLEN OUT OF LOVE, EITHER IT’S THE HUSBAND OR THE WIFE AND THEY
THINK THAT THAT’S THE TIME TO END THEIR MARRIAGE. THIS IS WHAT
I WAS FACED WITH WHEN I WAS FIRST DOING MARRIAGE COUNSELING.
I WAS A CHRISTIAN AND I BELIEVED IN THE PERMANENCE OF MARRIAGE
AND WHEN I MARRIED JOYCE I PROMISED TO LOVE AND CHERISH HER
TILL DEATH DO US PART. AND FOR SOMEBODY TO COME TO ME
ESPECIALLY CHRISTIANS… ONE OF MY FIRST COUPLES I COUNSELED WAS
THE PASTOR OF MY CHURCH AND HIS WIFE. THEY CAME TO ME AND SHE
SAID SHE WAS NO LONGER IN LOVE WITH HER HUSBAND. MY ORIGINAL
REACTION WAS “SO WHAT!”>YOU’RE COMMITTED FOR LIFE YOU
KNOW, THIS IS IT. MAKE THE BEST OF IT. AND THEY GOT DIVORCED.
AND IT WAS COUPLE AFTER COUPLE AND I WOULD READ THEM SCRIPTURE
AND THAT THIS WAS NOT GOD’S WILL THAT GOD WANTED THEM TO STAY
TOGETHER. AND I BECAME AWARE OF THE FACT THAT IF I WANTED TO
SAVE THESE MARRIAGES, AND THEY WERE CHRISTIAN MARRIAGES, I HAD
TO TEACH THEM HOW TO RESTORE THEIR LOVE FOR EACH OTHER
BECAUSE WITHOUT THEIR LOVE SO MANY PEOPLE WANTED TO DIVORCE.
AND SO I SET ABOUT TO DO THAT. AND I TAUGHT PEOPLE HOW TO FALL
IN LOVE. MY BOOK “HIS NEEDS HER NEEDS” IS ONE OF SEVERAL I HAVE
WRITTEN THAT TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO STAY IN LOVE WITH EACH OTHER.
NOW I STILL BELIEVE IN THE PERMANENCE OF MARRIAGE WHETHER
YOU ARE IN LOVE OR NOT. I BELIEVE THAT WHEN YOU HAVE
MARRIED SOMEBODY, YOU ARE COMMITTED FOR LIFE AND IF YOU
DON’T HAPPEN TO LOVE THAT PERSON, YOU ARE STILL COMMITTED.
BUT I’VE ALSO TAUGHT PEOPLE HOW TO STAY IN LOVE WHEN THEY ARE
MARRIED TO EACH OTHER BECAUSE WHEN THEY FALL OUT OF LOVE THEY
THINK RIGHT AWAY OF GETTING A DIVORCE. SO THIS IS HOW I CAME
UP WITH HIS NEEDS HER NEEDS. IT’S A WAY TO TEACH PEOPLE TO
STAY IN LOVE WITH EACH OTHER BY MEETING IMPORTANT EMOTIONAL
NEEDS.>IT’S GOOD TO HAVE YOU JOIN US
ON TIME FOR HOPE. WE’RE TALKING WITH DR. DAVID HAWKINS ABOUT HIS
BOOK 9 CRITICAL MISTAKES MOST COUPLES MAKE BUT AS ALWAYS I
WANT TO SHARE SOMETHING FROM A VIEWER.>>>AND I WILL AGREE WITH THIS
VIEWER THAT SHE HAS GREAT INSIGHT INTO THE NEEDS OF BOTH
SHE AND HER HUSBAND AND WE HAVE TAKEN THOSE NEEDS TO GOD. WE
KNOW THAT HE IS ABLE TO MEET EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THESE
NEEDS THIS VIEWER HAS OUTLINED. WE DO THIS WITH EACH AND EVERY
PRAYER REQUEST THAT COMES IN TO TIME FOR HOPE. I WOULD ALSO
DIRECT YOU TO THE TIME FOR HOPE WEBSITE. WE HAVE MANY GOOD
RESOURCES THERE. I ALWAYS ASK YOU TO GO THERE, LOOK AT THE
RESOURCES AND WHEN YOU CHOOSE A RESOURCE FROM OUR WEBSITE AND
CALL US AND ORDER IT IT’S HELPING THIS MINISTRY
FINANCIALLY AND OF COURSE WE ALWAYS APPRECIATE ANY FINANCIAL
HELP THAT YOU ARE WILLING TO GIVE TO THIS MINISTRY. NOW DAVID
AGAIN THIS IS RIGHT DOWN YOUR LINE AND WHAT WE’RE TALKING
ABOUT AND WE HAVE THESE KINDS OF LETTERS AND REQUESTS AND PRAYER
REQUESTS COME IN REGULARLY AT TIME FOR HOPE. BUT SO I’M GOING
TO KIND OF HAND IT OVER TO YOU IF YOU CAN REMEMBER I CAN REREAD
IT IF I NEED TO.>NO NO NO. SHE SPEAKS FROM HER
HEART AND YOU KNOW WHAT’S WONDERFUL ABOUT THIS IS THE
COUPLE THING. SHE’S BEING VULNERABLE; SHE’S SAYING THAT
THERE IS SOME DEEP PAIN GOING ON, SOME PATTERNS AND SHE’S
IDENTIFIED THAT. WE DON’T KNOW WHAT THE PATTERNS ARE. SHE
DOESN’T SHARE IN HER LETTER TO US WHAT THE PATTERNS ARE BUT
SHE’S NOTICED THEM AND THEY ARE CONCERNING TO HER AND SHE’S
REACHING OUT TO YOU AND THE PROGRAM AND SHE’S REACHING OUT
TO THE LORD FOR SOME HEALING. WHAT MORE CAN WE ASK FOR THAN
THAT TO IDENTIFY THE PATTERNS AND TO ASK FOR HELP FROM THE
GREAT HEALER. WHAT MORE CAN WE ASK AND SO WE DO HOPE THAT THEY
WILL IDENTIFY THE PATTERNS, SEEK GOD’S HELP AND SEEK SOME GOOD
COUNSELING. I WOULD ADD THAT FOR THAT WRITER.>I WAS GOING TO ADD THAT. LET’S
DON’T LEAVE THAT OUT.>GOOD COUNSELING TOO BECAUSE YOU
KNOW WE’VE GOT TO IDENTIFY THE PATTERN. YOU KNOW AS IN THE
MEDICAL PROFESSION WITHOUT MAKING AN ACCURATE DIAGNOSIS YOU
CAN’T GET THE RIGHT KIND OF HEALING. AND IT’S THE SAME WAY
EMOTIONALLY, IF WE DON’T IDENTIFY THIS PATTERN AND SO I
MEAN WE’LL GET INTO ONE OR TWO OR THREE OF THESE MISTAKES THAT
WE MAKE. IF YOU DON’T MAKE THE PROPER DIAGNOSIS YOU CAN’T GET
THE HEALING YOU NEED SO I REALLY CHALLENGE HER TO GO BEYOND.
THAT’S GOOD TO SEEK DIVINE HELP AND IT’S GOOD TO REACH OUT TO
THE PROGRAM BUT NOW GET TO A COUNSELOR WHO CAN LOOK INTO YOUR
LIVES AND INTO YOUR MARRIAGE AND SAY I SEE THIS PATTERN GOING ON
WITH YOU TWO THAT IS DISRUPTIVE, DYSFUNCTIONAL, MALADAPTIVE AND
IT WILL KILL YOU GUYS.>AS SHE LOOKS TO THE LORD SHE
ACTUALLY CAN PRAY FOR GUIDANCE AS TO WHAT COUNSELOR AND THAT
THE COUNSELOR WILL BE LED OF THE LORD IN GIVING THE DIRECTION
THAT THEY’RE SEEKING FOR. SHE MAKES AN UNUSUAL STATEMENT IN
HERE, WE NEED A NEW MARRIAGE. WHEN YOU THINK OF MARRIAGE AND I
THINK OF EVEN SPIRITUAL CONVERSION YOU KNOW WE NEED IT
OVER AND OVER. NOT JUST A ONE-TIME CONVERSION. IN MARRIAGE
IT GOES THROUGH SEASONS AND IT’S OKAY TO THINK ABOUT IT’S TIME
THAT WE NEED A NEW MARRIAGE. YOU KNOW THE OLD PATTERNS AS YOU
REFERRED TO THEY NEED TO GO AND WE NEED A NEW BEGINNING IN THIS
MARRIAGE.>SOMEONE, ANOTHER CLICHÉ THAT I
LIKE DR. FREDA IS WITHOUT A BREAKDOWN THERE IS RARELY A
BREAKTHROUGH. IN OTHER WORDS THE WHEELS HAVE TO FALL OFF THE
CART. WE HAVE TO YOU KNOW, WE’VE GOT TO GET A COUPLE OF FLAT
TIRES BEFORE WE GO IN AND SAY HELP ME OUT WITH A NEW RIG HERE.
SO YES WE CAN ALMOST HOPE IN A WAY THAT THE WHEELS CONTINUE TO
FALL OFF THE CART FOR THIS WOMAN. YES I MEAN THE OLD THING
IS NOT WORKING, THEY NEED A NEW RELATIONSHIP.>BUT IF IT WILL PUSH HER TO GET
HELP.>ABSOLUTELY.>IF IT WILL PUSH HER TO GET HELP
AND MAKE THE CHANGES THAT YOU TALKED ABOUT. NOW WE LOOK AT
THESE NINE, THESE NINE, NINE CRITICAL MISTAKES AND THE FIRST
ONE HAS TO DO WITH PUSHING THE PLUNGER. I THOUGHT THAT WAS SO
CUTE. BUT AVOIDING EMOTIONAL EXPLOSIONS, SO SOMEBODY AS A
GENERAL RULE WHEN THESE PATTERNS SET IN ESPECIALLY PATTERNS OF
COMMUNICATION THAT WE TALKED ABOUT, SOMEONE EXPLODES BEFORE
IT’S OVER RIGHT?>OH DR. FREDA WHEN YOU LISTEN TO
A COUPLE COMMUNICATE YOU KNOW WITHIN THE FIRST 30 TO 60
SECONDS IF IT’S GOING TO GO SIDEWAYS ON YOU. SOMEBODY GETS
EMOTIONAL ABOUT A PARTICULAR ISSUE AND THE OTHER ONE GETS
EMOTIONAL AND THEN SOMEONE DOES SOMETHING TO ESCALATE THINGS AND
THEN THEY ARE OFF AND RUNNING AND THEN THEY MIGHT BE CALLING
EACH OTHER NAMES OR THEY MIGHT BE SAYING OH WHAT YOU SAID IS
STUPID OR AND THAT’S WHAT I CALL PUSHING THE DYNAMITE PLUNGER.
SOMEBODY HAS SAID OKAY WE’RE GOING TO GO AT THIS THING NOW.
NOW IT’S WIN, LOSE, YOU AGAINST ME, LEFT AGAINST RIGHT, GOOD
AGAINST BAD, RIGHT AGAINST WRONG AND THE LINES ARE DRAWN AND IT’S
A WAR. AND COUPLES NEED TO DEVELOP THE SKILL TO SAY TIMEOUT.>YOU KNOW ONE OF THE THINGS THAT
MEANS A WHOLE LOT TO ME IN ANY SITUATION IN RELATIONSHIP
CONFLICT IS THE WHOLE IDEA THAT I DON’T HAVE TO WIN. I DON’T
HAVE TO WIN THE WAR, YOU KNOW. IF YOU WANT TO WIN, YOU WIN, I
DON’T HAVE TO WIN.>WHAT A HUMBLE SPIRIT. IF I
COULD GRANT EVERY MARRIAGE ONE THING THAT PROBABLY WOULD BE IT,
A HUMBLE SPIRIT. I DON’T HAVE TO WIN. BUT MOST OF US YOU KNOW WE
GET LOCKED ON TO OUR POINT OF VIEW.>AND IT’S ONLY ONE, IT’S THE
ONLY ONE YOU KNOW.>IT’S MY POINT OF VIEW AND YOU
DISAGREE WITH ME AND PRETTY SOON WE’RE BATTLING. AND WHAT COUPLES
DON’T REALIZE IS THAT YOU CAN HAVE THAT FIGHT AND YOU CAN EVEN
WIN THAT FIGHT SO TO SPEAK BUT YOU WILL, EVERY MARRIAGE, AND I
HOPE PEOPLE WILL UNDERSTAND THIS, EVERY MARRIAGE IS A FINE
FABRIC. AND EVERY TIME YOU GET INTO A KNOCKDOWN DRAG OUT YOU
WILL BE ERODING THE INTEGRITY OF THAT FABRIC. EVERY TIME. YOU MAY
NOT SEE IT DR. FREDA BUT THAT CLOTH IS NOT AS STRONG AS IT WAS
BEFORE SO KNOW IN YOUR HEART WHEN YOU BATTLE THIS THING OUT,
WHEN YOU FAIL TO CALL A TIMEOUT, WHEN YOU FAIL TO MANAGE YOUR
EMOTIONS YOU WILL BE DESTROYING THE INTEGRITY OF THAT FINE
WONDERFUL FABRIC.>YOU’RE ALREADY MAKING A
CRITICAL MISTAKE.>IT’S A CRITICAL MISTAKE,
CRITICAL, ONE OF NINE.>ONE OF NINE. STAY WITH US AND
WE’LL BE RIGHT BACK. TWO PEOPLE IN LOVE DOES NOT GUARANTEE THE
PASSION AND INTIMACY THAT MOST COUPLES DESIRE AND EXPECT WITHIN
A MARRIAGE. OPEN COMMUNICATION, FEELINGS OF BEING IN LOVE, AND
SEXUAL PASSION ARE SACRED MARITAL JEWELS THAT MUST BE
GUARDED OR SOUGHT AFTER IN A MEANINGFUL MARRIAGE. THE MARITAL
RELATIONSHIP CAN BE ROBBED OF THESE JEWELS BY BEHAVIORS AS
SIMPLE AS CARELESSNESS AND NEGLECT, FAILING TO REALLY
LISTEN TO EACH OTHER, SELF CENTEREDNESS AND LACK OF
EXCLUSIVE TIME TOGETHER. AND UNDOUBTEDLY UNRESOLVED CONFLICT,
ACCUMULATED ANGER, UNKIND AND ABUSIVE WORDS, AND SEETHING
RESENTMENT WILL SUFFOCATE THE FLAMES OF MARITAL LOVE AND
INTIMACY. AND IF YOU FEEL YOUR MARRIAGE HAS LOST THE LOVE AND
PASSION YOU ONCE ENJOYED WITH YOUR SPOUSE, OR YOU MUST ADMIT
IT HAS NEVER PROVIDED THE DEGREE OF LOVE AND INTIMACY YOU DESIRE,
KNOW THERE IS HOPE OF CHANGE, JUST DON’T EXPECT IT TO COME
OVERNIGHT. THE FIRST DIRECTION I GIVE IS TO TRY OPENING UP THE
LINES OF COMMUNICATION WITH YOUR SPOUSE. BEGIN BY ASKING FOR A
TIME TO TALK ABOUT YOUR CONCERNS RELATED TO YOUR MARRIAGE. IF
THERE IS FLAGRANT UNCONCERN FROM YOUR SPOUSE ASK GOD TO SOFTEN
HIS OR HER HEART SO THAT HE OR SHE WILL BECOME WILLING TO
LISTEN AND TALK. ALWAYS BE ALERT TO AND EXPRESS YOUR APPRECIATION
TO YOUR SPOUSE FOR EVEN THE SMALLEST POSITIVE RESPONSE YOU
RECEIVE. (2) IF YOU HAVE HARBORED ANGER AND RESENTMENT
TOWARDS YOUR SPOUSE TELL THEM. IF YOU NEED THEIR FORGIVENESS
THEN ASK FOR IT. IF YOUR SPOUSE HAS HABITUALLY BEEN ANGRY AND
UNKIND YOU WILL PROBABLY NEED TO SEEK OUT A PROFESSIONAL
COUNSELOR TO HELP YOU BEGIN SETTING APPROPRIATE BOUNDARIES
AS YOU OUTLINE THE CHANGES YOU FEEL YOUR SPOUSE MUST MAKE IN
RELATING TO YOU. (3) SPELL OUT SPECIFICALLY WHAT YOU NEED FROM
YOUR SPOUSE AND ENCOURAGE HIM OR HER TO DO THE SAME. IF THE
REQUESTS ARE VALID THEN AGREE TO START MAKING THE CHANGES THAT
WILL SAY TO THEM THEY ARE LOVED AND APPRECIATED. THIS CAN
ENCOURAGE YOUR MATE TO DO THE SAME. (4) AND DON’T EXPECT YOUR
SPOUSE TO PROVIDE ALL OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP NEEDS. INSTEAD, I
CHALLENGE YOU TO BELIEVE THAT YOUR DEEPEST LONGINGS FOR LOVE
AND INTIMACY CAN BE MET IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH JESUS CHRIST
(SONG OF SONGS). IF YOU DON’T KNOW HIM THEN SEEK TO KNOW HIM,
AND IF YOU NEED SPIRITUAL DIRECTION CALL OR WRITE US (JER
29:12-13).>>WE ALWAYS APPRECIATE YOUR
JOINING US ON TIME FOR HOPE. TODAY WE’RE TALKING WITH DR.
DAVID HAWKINS ABOUT HIS BOOK 9 CRITICAL MISTAKES MOST COUPLES
MAKE. NOW DAVID WE DON’T HAVE A LOT OF TIME LEFT AS USUAL, IT
GOES SO FAST ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU AND I ARE INTERACTING BUT I HAVE
TO ASK YOU ABOUT THIS THIRD CRITICAL MISTAKE. I DON’T KNOW
WHAT’S SO WRONG WITH IT BECAUSE I LIVE DOWN HERE IN DIXIE. WHAT
DO YOU MEAN BY STOP WHISTLING DIXIE?>WELL YOU KNOW OKAY I HAD A
LITTLE FUN WITH THAT OF COURSE BUT WHISTLING DIXIE, WE OFTEN
MAKE MOUNTAINS OUT OF MOLE HILLS. OKAY WE’RE ALL GUILTY OF
THAT TAKING ON AN ISSUE AND MAKING IT BIGGER THAN IT NEEDS
TO BE. BUT WHISTLING DIXIE IS THE OPPOSITE OF THAT. IT’S WHEN
WE’RE MAKING A MOLEHILL OUT OF A MOUNTAIN. OKAY MAYBE THERE IS AN
ADDICTION GOING ON IN THE RELATIONSHIP. MAYBE THERE IS AN
UNTAMED TONGUE GOING ON, MAYBE THERE’S A RAGEAHOLIC, MAYBE
THERE’S ANY NUMBER OF ISSUES AND WE JUST KIND OF GO ON ALONG AND
WE ESSENTIALLY TELL OURSELVES.>IT’S NOT TOO BAD. I MEAN
EVERYBODY DOES IT AND WE’RE NO DIFFERENT THAN ANYBODY ELSE.>WELL THE RELATIONSHIP IS NOT
THAT BAD, WE’RE GOING TO BE FINE. AND ALL THE WHILE AGAIN
THIS PROBLEM IS CALLED THE STINKY ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM,
YOU’VE HEARD THAT LINE. THIS ELEPHANT IS PARADING THROUGH THE
ROOM AND ANYBODY WHO WOULD COME AND LOOK AT OUR RELATIONSHIP
WOULD NOTICE AND GO WHOA THERE IS A HUGE ELEPHANT BUT BECAUSE
WE ARE USING THAT THING CALLED DENIAL WE CAN TELL OURSELVES
IT’S NOT REALLY HAPPENING. WE CAN SKIRT AROUND IT BUT WE CAN’T
SKIRT AROUND IT.>WHISTLING AWAY AS IF EVERYTHING
FINE.>WE’RE WHISTLING AWAY AS IF AND
SO I WOULD REALLY ASK COUPLES TO TAKE A CRITICAL INVENTORY. YOU
KNOW THERE’S A THING IN THE 12 STEP PROGRAM THAT’S CALLED
TAKING A FEARLESS MORAL INVENTORY. WHAT WOULD HAPPEN IF
WE DID THAT IN OUR MARRIAGES? IF WE SAID YOU KNOW ONCE A YEAR
WE’RE GOING TO TAKE A FEARLESS MORAL INVENTORY AND WE’RE GOING
TO TAKE A LOOK AT ALL OF THE ISSUES IN OUR MARRIAGE OR BETTER
YET WE’RE GOING TO GO TO A COUNSELOR.>THAT AND HELP A THIRD PARTY.>A COUNSELOR, A PASTOR, ONCE A
YEAR WE’RE GOING TO HAVE SOMEBODY LOOK INTO OUR LIVES AND
SAY WHAT DO YOU SEE? AND SO IT TAKES COURAGE TO DO THAT THOUGH
DR. FREDA I MEAN.>IT TAKES COURAGE TO STOP
WHISTLING DIXIE.>IT TAKES COURAGE.>ANYTHING THAT GOES ALONG WITH
THAT AND STOP SWEEPING IT UNDER THE RUG. WE SAY THAT DOWN IN
DIXIE. THEY SAY THAT WHERE YOU COME FROM?>WE SAY THAT TOO, SWEEPING IT
UNDER THE RUG.>LET’S MOVE ON, YOU’VE GOT NINE
OF COURSE AND THEY’RE ALL VERY GOOD BUT I WANT TO GO ON DOWN
ABOUT THE PAPER FENCES THAT HAS TO DO WITH BOUNDARIES.>YES YOU KNOW BOUNDARIES,
THERE’S ANOTHER THING THAT’S SO CRITICAL OF DR. FREDA IS HAVING
HEALTHY BOUNDARIES. HEALTHY BOUNDARIES OF COURSE ARE LIKE
FENCES OKAY.>THEY DIVIDE YOU AND ME.>THEY DIVIDE YOU AND ME. YOUR
STUFF IS YOUR STUFF AND MY STUFF IS MY STUFF. AND SO WHEN I HAVE
A HEALTHY BOUNDARY I’M LOOKING AT ME AND GOD AND ME ARE DOING
SOME WORK ON ME AND I’M TAKING CARE OF ME AND I’M LESS
CONCERNED ABOUT YOU. AM I CONCERNED ABOUT YOU? YES OF
COURSE, YOU KNOW YOU’RE MY MATE AND I’M CONCERNED ABOUT WHAT’S
HAPPENING IN YOUR LIFE BUT I’M CAREFUL TO NOTE THAT YOUR ISSUES
ARE YOUR ISSUES AND MY ISSUES ARE MINE.>AND I WILL HELP YOU WITH YOUR
ISSUES OR WORK WITH YOU, COOPERATE WITH YOU IN TRYING TO
WORK OUT YOUR ISSUES BUT I WANT TO OWN THEM.>I WON’T OWN THEM.>I WON’T SWIM FOR YOU. I USE
THAT A LOT.>THAT’S EXCELLENT.>I’LL SWIM ALONG BESIDE YOU BUT
I WON’T SWIM FOR YOU.>AND ONE MORE THING ABOUT THAT
DR. FREDA, NOT ONLY WILL I NOT DO YOUR WORK BUT A GOOD HEALTHY
FENCE IS GOING TO BE, I’M GOING TO CONFRONT YOU A BIT IF YOU TRY
TO DO SOMETHING FOR ME THAT I OUGHT TO BE DOING FOR MYSELF. SO
IF YOU TELL ME WHAT I’M THINKING, IF YOU TELL ME WHAT
I’M FEELING, IF YOU TELL ME HOW I SHOULD BE ACTING, IF YOU TELL
ME STUFF THAT’S MY STUFF I’M GOING TO LOVINGLY SAY.>DON’T PLAY GOD, THAT’S ANOTHER
ONE YOU HAD.>THAT’S ANOTHER ONE. BUT IN
BOUNDARIES IT’S SO REFRESHING, BUT THIS IS TOUCHY STUFF TO DO
WITH YOUR MATE BUT IT’S SO HEALING IF YOU CAN SAY TO YOUR
MATE PLEASE DON’T TELL ME WHAT I’M THINKING OR WHAT I’M
FEELING. THOSE ARE MY PERSONAL, THAT’S PERSONAL TO ME. YOU CAN
TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT WHAT I’M DOING. YOU CAN GIVE ME
AN OPINION BUT DON’T TELL ME WHAT I’M THINKING OR WHAT I’M
FEELING. SO NOT ONLY DO WE NOT DO SOMEONE ELSE’S WORK WE ALSO
SET HEALTHY BOUNDARIES SO THAT THEY DON’T TELL US THINGS ABOUT
US THAT ARE PERSONAL TO US.>WELL I CALL THAT INTERPRETING.>OH THAT’S GOOD.>IT’S AN INTERPRETATION YOU KNOW
WHAT I GIVE BACK TO YOU IS MY INTERPRETATION OF WHAT YOU SAID
OR WHAT YOU DID AND THAT NEVER WORKS AS YOU KNOW IN A MARRIAGE.
BUT GOING TO BOUNDARIES, ANOTHER THING THAT IS SO TERRIBLY
IMPORTANT IS BEING ABLE TO SAY WHAT I WANT, WHAT I WOULD LIKE,
WHAT I WILL NOT ACCEPT, WHERE I WILL NOT GO, WHAT I WILL NOT DO
EVEN FOR YOUR MATE.>THAT IS SO WONDERFUL HOW YOU
JUST EVEN SAID THAT DR. FREDA. YOU ARE A REAL PERSON WHEN YOU
CAN INTERACT THAT WAY. HERE’S WHAT I THINK, HERE’S WHAT I
FEEL, HERE’S WHAT I WANT. NOW I REALLY PREFER NOT TO DO THIS.
NOW I DON’T KNOW ABOUT YOU BUT I REALLY GET A LITTLE ANNOYED WITH
PEOPLE WHO WON’T TELL ME WHAT THEY PREFER OR WHAT THEY WANT OR
WHAT THEY THINK. I WANT TO INTERACT WITH SOMEBODY WHO IS
STRONG ENOUGH TO SAY YOU KNOW I DON’T LIKE THAT OR YOU KNOW THAT
STYLE OF WORSHIP DOESN’T REALLY WORK FOR ME OR FIT FOR ME OR YOU
KNOW THAT BOOK, I DON’T CARE FOR THAT BOOK OR I DON’T CARE FOR
THAT TV PROGRAM. I LIKE IT WHEN SOMEONE HAS AN OPINION, A
THOUGHT, A FEELING AND I REALLY FEEL LIKE I CAN CONNECT WITH
THAT KIND OF PERSON.>AND THEY’RE ENTITLED TO THEIR
THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS. IT’S THEIR THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS.>AND THOSE ARE BOUNDARIES.>YES AND THEN YOU END YOUR BOOK
WITH HOPE AND THAT’S WHAT THIS SHOW IS ALL ABOUT, FINDING THE
STRENGTH AND THE ABILITY TO CHANGE AND WITH THESE NINE
CRITICAL MISTAKES, AND BY THE WAY WE NEVER MENTIONED THE
SUBTITLE OF THE BOOK, IDENTIFY, IDENTIFY THE FLAWS AND DISCOVER
GOD’S HELP. THEY MUST BE IDENTIFIED, YOU BROUGHT THAT
OUT. BUT GOD WILL GIVE US STRENGTH AND WILL ENABLE US AND
GIVE US WISDOM TO CHANGE. THAT’S OUR HOPE IS IN IT DAVID?>IT IS AND WE BETTER RECOGNIZE
AND BE HONEST THAT WE CAN’T CHANGE IN AND OF OURSELVES. IT’S
SELF WE’LL RUNNED RIOTS SO WE MUST LOOK TO GOD AND GOD WILL
GIVE US THE STRENGTH AND THE COURAGE AND THE WISDOM.>AND WE’VE GOT TO GO. WHAT A
BEAUTIFUL WORD TO GO OUT ON. THANK YOU AGAIN DAVID AND IT’S
BEEN WONDERFUL HAVING YOU ON TIME FOR HOPE AGAIN. AND WE ASK
THAT YOU JOIN US AGAIN NEXT WEEK.>TO ORDER OUR RESOURCES, FOLLOW
THE CONTACT INFORMATION ON YOUR SCREEN. UNTIL NEXT TIME, HAVE A
GREAT WEEK AND REMEMBER IT IS TIME FOR HOPE. .

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